_ | \ | \ | | \ __ | |\ \ __ _____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________ | ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ | | | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | | | | /________/ | | / / /________/ | | | | | | / / | | | | | |/ / | | | | | | / | | | | | / | | | | |_/ | | | | | | | | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | | | |________________________________________________________________| | |____________________________________________________________________| ...presents... Where Have My Heroes Gone? by KSM 2/15/1998-#350 __///////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\\__ \\\\\\\/ Everything You Need Since 1986 \/////// ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ |___heal_the_sick___raise_the_dead___cleanse_the_lepers___cast_out_demons___| Dream a little dream with me, friends. Let's imagine that I get my hands on some of that date rape drug that the kids on 20/20 are so gung-ho about. Let's keep dreaming. Let's say I find some lonely girl at a popular twentysomething club, maybe her ride abandoned her or something. I play the part of the sensitive male and console her with some Boppin' Berry Hi-C with a little of that date rape drug in there. Let's examine the elements of our dream, kids. We have a lecherous man with a large quantity of Boppin' Berry Hi-C, an empty bottle of that date rape drug, and a lonely girl full of drugs with no ride. I see the seeds of love planted. So I take my lovely lady back to my house, I give mom the keys to her car, and give in to passion. We make sweet love until she regains consciousness and runs screaming. She must've had a dermatologist appointment. Anyways, let's say she is pregnant. It scares the bejesus out of me that my children will be growing up in a world without heroes. Let's take a trip on a time machine! I remember a time when a young lad of 16 or 17 could spend a Friday playing hopskotch or playing Candy Land, anything the young people are fond of, and retire to their house to watch a sweet little program that aired on CBS from 8-9 that preached morality and the essentials of higher southern culture. Yes, my friends, I'm speaking of the Dukes of Hazzard. Now I do not condone the running on moonshine, but who could argue with the concept of spraying crap all over the crooked Boss Hog in your '71 Charger with no doors? Moonshine is a way of paying the bills for Bo and Luke Duke, but Boss Hog's twisted, black heart clearly pumps with the juices of evil. I have never read a case of anyone's circulatory system functioning with moonshine, but who hasn't picked up the paper to read a story about Old Man Winters down the street with evil pumping through his veins? Basically what I'm saying is, moonshine pays the bills, but evil forces Christian girls into prostitution. Another facet of morality taught to us by Dukes of Hazzard is the fact that people must be attractive to make a difference. Boss Hog was an ugly man, he never amounted to anything. Bo and Luke though, they were quite attractive and that was why they were the most successful moonshiners in all of Hazzard County. I remember one thing that Dukes of Hazzard taught me especially. I learned that incest was ok. The first time I sensed that intense sexual tension between Daisy and Luke, I knew in my heart of hearts that society could take its expectations and regulations and shove them right where the sun doesn't shine. Regulation Shmegulation, I want to have sex with my cousin. I refuse to accept this "special reunion movie" shit, I want to go back to Hazzard County where I knew what was right and stay there. Reality is a harsh pill, but the Dukes always seemed to help wash that pill down with a little malt liquor. This is a call to you, Johnny Broadcasting Corporation. My child could grow up without the Dukes of Hazzard, and that leaves a funky taste in my mouth. How is little Jorge going to know morality? I will not allow my sweet Jorge to define truth and reality: that is how psychopaths and atheists get started. Jorge should let the TV define right and wrong for him. How will he ever do this without the Dukes? I won't always be there to raise Jorge, but I trust that Uncle Jesse, Bo, Luke, and Daisy Duke will. Take me back to Hazzard County, let's kick Boss Hog's ass. Johnny Broadcasting Corporation, I know where you live and I know what your wife looks like. KSM Our chimerical visions were especially vivid today. .-. _ _ .-. / \ .-. ((___)) .-. / \ /.ooM \ / \ .-. [ x x ] .-. / \ /.ooM \ -/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\ /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\- /lucky 13\ / \ / `-(' ')-' \ / \ /lucky 13\ \ / `-' (U) `-' \ / `-' the original e-zine `-' _ Oooo eastside westside / ) __ /)(\ ( \ WORLDWIDE / ( / \ \__/ ) / Copyright (c) 1998 cDc communications and the author. \ ) \)(/ (_/ CULT OF THE DEAD COW is a registered trademark of oooO cDc communications, PO Box 53011, Lubbock, TX, 79453, USA. _ oooO All rights reserved. Edited by Grandmaster Ratte'. __ ( \ / ) /)(\ / \ ) \ \ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( / \_) xXx BOW to the COW xXx Oooo