How to be God...Book II By the Rusty Nail,the Flat Tire,and JIm Note:There was an earlier "How to be God" file,but it seems to have gotten lost or destroyed. If anyone got it during it's short time up over the summer of 1986,please put it up again. Chapter I:Introduction There are three methods for becoming god,two of them centered around a hub of mystic energy. These methods are interchangeable,but the objects and equipment used in each must not be substituted,or the god you become may be a hybrid strain. (Explained within.) The one exception is dirt for coffee in Method 2. Chapter II:Method 1 To become god,you will need a cardboard easter basket painted in a pastel color,and filled with green strips of plastic "grass." Astroturf is unacceptable. Take a large vat,such as the kind used for cooking spaghetti, and fill to the rim with any color of pottery glaze. It is best if you do this in a kitchen with an oven,but using a plugged-in television,turned off,is fine. Dip the basket in the vat,and after it has changed color, place in a safe,clean pyrex dish you do not mind staining. Put the dish in an oven and set to broil. Or,if by a TV,turn it on. Take a single large nail and hammer it into the screen,then pull it out. Ignore cracking glass that may splinter off. Find a funnel or sufficient tubing and pour glaze through hole. Wait 15 minutes for either oven or TV. (A projection-screen TV is not good enough.) After 15,open oven or peel away glass to reveal a solid,cooked block of stuff. When consumed,this stuff will cause your head to spin, and you to find yourself behind an immense pylon on Easter Island. Watch out for the killer bunnies. Stan dd on your head. If you never learned to stand on your head,lie on your back with a hat on your butt. Soon a strange voice will ask you,"Who am I?" Here is the key for answers: Low,nasal,scratchy:millionaire Donald Trump British,confident,fast:Michael Palin of Monty Python Small,elderly,short of breath:Ken Weatherwax,Puggsly of the Addams family Tell these people truly who they are. If Palin,be very [,very careful of the killer bunnies! When you say the name,you will fly to the sky and be god. Sidebar:Hybrid Strains When someone becomes god,the current god is returned to earth. If you make substitutions of equipment,the god you are will follow the warped, obscure religious views of televangelists and o ...and Pat Robertson-types. So don't,or you will condemn your entire rule to follow those guidelines. Chapter III:Method 2 If you are a homebody or a couch potato,this method is for you. (This is an ideal method for the 1990's.) Make yourself a strong cup of coffee. Drink half of it,and put the remaining half in the freezer at about 7:00 P.M. Watch "Wheel of Fortune" on your TV. When it ends,take out the frozen coffee and peel off the layer of scum on top. (if you wish,you may substitute ground eartyhh for dry coffee flakes.) Congratulations,you have just created the "coffee roll-up" for busy commuting adults. Now sit on the floor with your legs crossed. Send a mental signal,with every erg of your concentration. As the people realize what stupid ideas these food companies have come up with,they will either swear or say "Oh god!" If they say "Oh god!" you will be god. If they are girls in a Californian valley,and say "Oh gawd",or modem-users and say "Oh g0d,"you need only "nose toast" to be god. Make toast,tear off a thin strip,and put it in your left nostril. You will be god. Unfortunately,as god you will have bread in your left nostril. (But you can buy a replacement body cheap at Purgatory Pete's.) If the people swear,you won't be god. You will become a Russian peasant. However,that isn't so bad. There is a lot of vodka around,and the kids all get to play Borgoise Tagg every day. But if you really depise Russia,you should eat your coffee roll-up(you do know where your coffee roll-up is,don't you?) and find yourself on top of the northernmost stone in Stonehenge. The voices will come again, and the rest is the same. Chapter IV:Method 3 If you have broken limbs or are sick,you may want to opt for method 3. Send fifty-six-dollars-and-no-cents to: The Rusty Nail 92 Derby Crescent Chipping Norton NSW 2170 Australia plus an additional 79 dollars for the phone charge of calling a bulletin board in America. I'll see what I can do,but no promises. Chapter V:Conclusion We would love any and all comments on this and the first file. Do not write to the above address(send only money.),but you may contact us through: 1)The Greater Elks Lodge,Local 203 2)Archy,Inc (the order society...we're polite and neat) 3)Trance-Channeling. Contact S. MacLaine in Cleopatra mode. Disclaimer:We accept no reponsibility for any nasal damage due to putting toast in your nostril. Thank you! X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm) & the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845 Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649 Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766 realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043 Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102 Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives, arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality, insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS. Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are, where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother. "Raw Data for Raw Nerves" X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X