The Royal Family - Inbred genetic mutants or hereditary con-artists? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Many of the more astute USAns amongst the alt.peeves audience will no doubt have noticed that many of the postings in this newsgroup come from the United Kingdom Of Great Britain And Northern Island, a small but insignificant island off the coast of "that little Yurrup place that Uncle Elmer went to fer his vacation last year". One of the ways in which this country differs from the USA (other than it's culture, history and language) is in it's *lack of a President*. While I'm sure many USAns are somewhat shocked that the UK thus doesn't have anybody to vomit over Japanese Prime Ministers or go on holiday every time there's an international crisis, have no fear. For we have something much, much better - we have the Royal Family (throughout this peeve the term "Royal Family" refers to the British Royal Family, not to any other Royal Families you might care to mention). The UK has a long history of monarchy, dating back long before the Act Of Union which saw the virtual absorption of Scotland into England. There was whatsisname who got the arrow in his eye, thingy who burnt the cakes, that Scottish one who liked dressing up as a woman and the other one who offered to swap his entire kingdom for a horse. In ye olde days, Royalty was as common as muck. You couldn't swing a cat in any major town without hitting at least half a dozen One True Kings. Royalty was loud, raucous, extremely popular, very good at killing off anyone who didn't like them and equally good at screwing those who did. Droit de signeur was exercised mercilessly, with the result that at times up to 50% of the English population were Royal Bastards (these days they've had to drop the Royal bit). Then something happened. Overnight the Royals who had been reproducing like rabbits stopped. Perhaps it had something to do with the way they were always trying to kill each other and frequently succeeding. Perhaps screwing everything that moves just gets boring eventually. Either way, the Royals very nearly died out. However, an early conservationist kept the species alive by introducing a breeding pair from Germany. This breeding pair then proceeded to invite their entire families over to lord it over the Brits (the UK defeated the Germany in two World Wars? Big deal - they've been ruling the UK for several hundred years). The mating behaviour of these new Royals was rather different to the previous, promiscuous Royals however. Although there were still substantial numbers of Royal Bastards around, they tended to breed only amongst themselves, sending the resultant offspring off to occupy the various thrones of Europe. This interbreeding did cause problems though - while it is often recognized that Queen Victoria was grandmother to something like ten European monarchs, it is not often recalled that, due to interbreeding, she was also their sister, great-aunt, Uncle Eddie and second cousin twice removed. And so we find ourselves in the last decade of the twentieth century. What state do we find the Royal family in? The answer is clear - exactly the state you would expect to find them in after two hundred years of inbreeding. However, there is one other surprise - unlike most other European Royal Families (who are given modest State Pensions, live in semi-detached houses in suburbia and ride bicycles to work) the British Royal Family are filthy rich. To see where the plethora of peeves that surround the Royal Family arise, let us examine them one by one. Her Royal Highness Elizabeth "Mrs Queen" Windsor aka The Queen. Quite probably the world's richest individual. The woman has got *billions*. She's got money pouring out of every bodily orifice. She doesn't get any money from the Civil List but doesn't need it since she doesn't pay taxes and thus earns more in interest in a single day than most of us can every expect to see in our lifetimes. In exchange for this special tax arrangement and vast fortune, she waves a bit, cuts ribbons and models for stamps. The Royal Fortune has been amassed over the centuries via tax evasion and lying to Parliament. Prince Albert asked that the civil list fund him "in the manner befitting a well-to-do gentleman". Albert's idea of what a well-to-do gentleman should have included several palaces, 1/2 dozen grouse moors or so and an enormous number of servants. Quite. One of the Royals earlier this century claimed he needed more money otherwise he would have to go to functions in a taxi. I mean, c'mon, he owned a dozen enormous palatial houses. He could have sold one! Balmorlal. Holyrood Palace. They're all empty for all but two weeks in the year! Couldn't they be put to better use? His Not So Royal Highness Prince Phillip aka "Phil The Greek". He's not got a bad deal at all - all the cash he could ever want courtesy of Liz, big grouse moors and country estates on which he can blow small furry animals apart to his hearts content, a position which means he can get away with making racist remarks about "slitty-eyed Chinese" when anyone else in the country would have been publicly crucified. In exchange for this life of privilege and luxury he does...well, not a lot really. He's not as heavily into waving and cutting ribbons as QEII and his visage is more likely to appear in profile on a bottle of Ouzo than a stamp. He's nominally the Duke Of Edinburgh but never visits the place other than en route to his annual shooting expeditions in the Highlands. This is typical of the Royals who are, to all extents and purposes, the English Royal Family (even though they are Germans). They live in England and treat the other bits of the UK as holiday homes. HRH The Slightly Batty And Rather Senile Queen Mother. "Britain's Favourite Grandmother" indeed. Britain's best known grandmother, perhaps, but she is by no means universally loved. She does her share of the waving and suchlike but the primary reason she is adored is that everyone is thinking ahead to the day's holiday they are going to get when she kicks the bucket. HRH Prince "I Talk To The Trees - And They Talk Back" Charles. Heir to the throne, serious and enviromentally aware yet nutty as a fruitcake. He's got this wonderful habit of making pronouncements like "people should use their cars less often and save the environment" and then having his Bentley (which does about 15 gallons per mile) right across Europe so he can drive home in it rather than have to make do with one of those naff Royal limos. When all is said and done, he's just not Royal material. OK, so he's got most of the qualifications - he's not very bright, he's a grade 'A' hypocrite, he looks like his parents were not so much brother and sister as the same person. However - he just doesn't seem to have his heart in it. HRH Princess Anne. About the only Royal I've got any time for. Actually seems to spend more of her time on Royal duties than living it up. Come The Revolution, she's the only one I'd consider saving from putting up against the wall. Still dumb and inbred looking though. HRH Prince "I've Got A Helicopter" Andrew. Slightly less dumb than Charles or Anne. Also holds down a steady job, something that's almost unique in the Royal Family today. Shame that he still comes over as an overprivileged braying upper-class prannet. His wife must have rubbed off on him. HRH Prince "There's No Business Like Showbusiness" Edward. Now Eddie is an odd one. He's easily the best educated Royal (something that makes him a bit of a black sheep) and has no time at all for the Royal handshaking etc. Instead he prefers the smell of the greasepaint and the roar of the crowds. This is because of one of the best kept Royal secrets - the great Baby Swap incident. In a freak accident the stupid, dull Royal baby was swapped for another baby. Instead, the Royals have raised the son of one of the Flying Zucchini Brothers, Trapeze Artists Extraordinaire. The errant behaviour of Edward has been matched by the odd behaviour of the other misplaced child, who ran away *from* the circus, became an accountant and is now Prime Minister. It all fits - Edward acts like he should be the son of a trapeze artist, John Major is rather stupid, extremely dull and likes waving at people and shaking hands. The apparent age difference is due to clever make-up on the part of John Major. That's the family dealt with, now for the hangers-on HRH Princess Diana. She's really so bland there's nothing worthwhile to say about her. Waves quite a lot, flashes a bit of thigh and wears a bikini to keep the press happy. That's about it really. HRH Sarah "The Duchess Of Pork" Ferguson. A woman who has single-handedly done more for the cause of Republicanism in the UK than the rest of the Royals have in the previous two centuries. Sort of an upper-class Essex girl. Does almost no work whatsoever, spends large amounts of her time on ski-ing holidays or screwing Texans, lives in an enormous house provided tax-free by the Mother-In-Law, gives her kids bloody stupid names, messes around on planes annoying other passengers. This woman makes Dan Quayle seem like a model of tact and diplomacy. Definitely first up against the wall when the revolution comes but we'll need a particularly big wall... Right, that's the major Royals dealt with. Now onto the aristocracy in general. The whole existence of the aristocracy is a peeve to me. Why the hell someone should have the rights to huge....tracts of land, a silly title, a stately home and a major say in the process of government simply because an ancestor 400 years ago switched sides 10 minutes before the battle, I don't know. Appointed Lords (who are given the title because of achievements or their services to the country) I can manage, but having some antiquated relic able to veto the will of the British people (well, as much of it as actually survives the passage through the House Of Commons) simply because his great-great-great-great-great grandfather was Royal Bastard #12734 strikes me as not being a very good way to do things. Perhaps all those years ago when someone was a Lord simply because you were better at administering swift kicks to the groin or poisoning your opponents they might have been suited to rule, but today's in-bred mutants are barely capable of tying their own shoe-laces, never mind ruling and would be more at home in a High Security Mental Wing somewhere than in the House Of Lords. So what's to be done? I'm all for the abolition of the Royal Family. Open the palaces etc to the public, put the Queen's enormous art collection on public display. As for the Royals themselves? Well the Russian solution would be workable but we'd then have people claiming to be the "long lost great-grandson of Princess Diana and true heir to the throne" for centuries afterwards. Personally I favour making them leave of their own accord. How? Make them liable to pay taxes and set the tax rate for the Extremely Incredibly Rich to something like 99p in the pound. And declare all their property "National Treasures" and prevent it from being taken out the country when they leave. Which brings me to another peeve - "treasure trove". Anything gold and shiny dug up by a farmer in his field can be declared "Treasure Trove". Basically this means the Queen gets it. Hasn't she got enough already? Oh well, I guess I can kiss goodbye to any chance of a knighthood now. ObBonusPeeve: What started out as rather a good rant kinda ran out of steam near the end, didn't it? -- Not Al Crawford - Not_Al_Crawford@ed.ac.uk "Sheepdog on toast. Take one slice of bread, toast both sides. Add one medium sized free-range sheepdog and grill until golden brown. Garnish lightly."