Major Arcana Tarot Cards that Didn't Quite Make It number 27: The Insurance Salesman this card features a figure shrouded in grey, striding across a war-torn landscape, with a sheaf of papers in one hand and a briefcase in the other. at his feet is an empty cigarette packet and a used condom. a banana and a pancake orbit his head. no-one knows what happened to this card; in fact, no-one knows why it was included in the deck in the first place. it is attributed to a student of Aleister Crowley's who had a sense of humour. meaning: a task of extreme duration with little results, meaningless work, endless repetition; the Querent, if male; if female, the guy that lives just down the road from the Querent. reversed: you have the pack upside-down. you twit. number 28: The Game Show Host this card shows a huge set of gleaming white teeth, tenuously connected to a tiny face in the middle distance, the face being attached to a head propped above a brown suit around a tiny body behind a podium bedecked with tinsel and flashing lights, set in a war-torn landscape. The Hebrew letters Yod, He, Vau and He are spelled out in neon behind the teeth. This card, introduced by an ex-hippie advertising executive in 1971, is now widely recognised as a low-rent version of card number 10, `The Wheel Of Fortune.' meaning: that vague sense of dissatisfaction that you experience after finding a book or a record that you have been searching for, for ages, and it turns out to be nowhere near as good as you thought it would be; the Querent, if you are Greg Evans; if you aren't, then this card refers to Greg Evans anyway - it means that hopefully, the Querent is about to run over Greg Evans in a street-sweeper. reversed: Basia Bonkowski is coming back to channel Ten. number 23: Illumination this card features a gibbering idiot street-person, dressed in obligatory black, with a chain around his (or her; the gender is hard to determine) left boot, crouched behind a rubbish-bin in an alleyway, set in a war-torn landscape. An industrial waste bin behind him (or her) has the words `Brashith Elohim' written in Hebrew fluorescent spray-paint. An empty syringe, a plastic bag filled with lawn clippings, another plastic bag half-filled with Omo, and a cluster of Pluravit Multivitamin tablets form a halo around the head of the idiot street-person. You can almost make out the figure of Robert William's cartoon character, `Atrillo Trilobite' on the wall behind. This card appeared in an issue of `Yellow Dog' comix somewhere in the misty haze of 1973. meaning: best described by Fat Freddy, one of the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers; "Spill Keeds! Uh, Peed Skills, ah, Skeed Pills!" Or, as J. R. "Bob" Dobbs once said; "You can't be really smart without first being totally stupid." reversed: The Coca-Cola company are going to put the cocaine back in. About time too. number 31: The Real Estate Agent this card shows a young couple with a shopping bag full of five dollar bills, sitting behind a desk, chatting with a cardboard cutout. there is a rubber band attachment to the cutout's jaw, which enables it to smile reassuringly for no apparent reason. through the window can be seen four vultures circling an outside toilet, set in a war-torn landscape. the cutout has an upside-down capital `F' on his forehead, also for no aparent reason. meaning: the expenditure of a great deal of effort in a particular direction, followed by the discovery that your effort was completely unneccesary. living in an industrial waste bin isn't really that bad, you know. reversed: you are standing next to someone who is about to come into a large sum of money. make them clean it up when they've finished, hey? number 44: The Road Crew this card shows four semi-human shapes clad in jeans and `jimmy barnes' t-shirts; they all have four-day stubble, and are lying under a pile of empty beer cans behind a stage backdrop with the words `igni natura renovatur integra' painted in it. three festive strips of black gaffer-tape are draped over the pile of cans. in the extreme middle distance, the heads of morrisey, marc almond, and nick cave - impaled on microphone stands, set in a war-torn landscape - are almost visible. meaning: an extremely difficult, long, arduous and exhausting task (like moving stacks of Marshall amplifiers and foldback speakers without the benefit of a trolley) is about to be forced on you, with no chance of avoiding it and very little... okay, let's be honest, no reward or recognition whatsoever for your efforts. get a bit drunk beforehand if you can... it does help. reversed: you will receive, for your next birthday, four copies of a CD that you just bought at Missing Link. on import. shit, i hate that. number 91: The Software SalesPerson A dress-maker's dummy with a broad smile drawn on the front of its head in blue crayon is standing behind a desk, on which are five telephones, all ringing (you can tell that they are ringing because they are those trendy transparent telephones with the purple neon tubes inside, the ones that light up when the phone rings). behind the dummy, an ibm-pc with a three-thousand dollar multiscan monitor and a four-thousand dollar super-vga card is being pushed to its theoretical limits, displaying a badly aliased picture of a war-torn landscape. the dummy is wearing a sign around its neck that says, typically, `you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps'. meaning: you are about to make a decision based on months of careful deliberation, consideration and consultation with a seasoned group of experts. and you are going to be horribly wrong. ha ha. reversed: be extremely careful - one of the next nine tea-bags that you use will have an earwig in it. maybe. - Partial