========================================================================== == == == If you enjoy these please feel free to contact me and say hello. I == == can be reached at Sun via the Arpanet or the USENET. My email addr- == == esses are: == == == == {ucbvax, decwrl, allegro}!sun!dbercel!toto == == == == or == == == == dbercel@sun.com or dbercel@sun.arpa == ========================================================================== Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net Episode 4 - E.C. (The Extra Commercial) (Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity are on their way to Netrothea. They have successfully escaped both the Flamers and the Singles.) Xaphod: How much longer till we reach Netrothea? Martin: Too soon. Rod: Quiet! Gillian: I can't wait to get there! Arnold Lint:I'm just glad we're still in one piece. Martin: It doesn't take much to make you happy, does it? (All of a sudden, a blinding light fills the bridge of the Infinity. When the light fades, a small, sickeningly adorable creature is revealed. He is wearing a cap which says "I'm cute, buy me!") Gillian: What's that? Xaphod: That's E.C. - the Extra Commercial! Arnold Lint:The what? Rod: The Extra Commercial. The most commercialized being since Santa Claus! ["The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" lists Santa Claus as a being from Pluto who suffered severe brain damage when his space ship crashed on earth. Every year the silly old twit tries to fly an old sleigh and a flock of equally stupid reindeer back to Pluto. Unfortunately, his reverse gravity modulator is not 100 percent so he never quite gets out of Earth's orbit. This is just as well as the jerk lost all his deep space gear. Many people on earth have mistaken the boxes of Kentucky Fried Chicken he carries on his unlikely space craft (as rations for the trip to Pluto) for presents to be distributed to children. In actuality, the only reason Fred Glarn (his real name) ever climbs down chimneys is because he is totally wasted on Selurian Brandy and he is merely looking for a likely spot to sleep it off. (Why else would his nose always be red?).] Xaphod: I've never met E.C. before, I always though he was just some massive advertising ploy. Gillian: (To E.C.) Hello, I'm Gillian. E.C.: (In a heavy New York - Jewish accent) Oy vey, vhat a trip. Say goylie, you're cute. Xaphod: Huh? E.C.: Don't call me E.C., it's a meshugina name. My real name is Phil Moskowitz. Arnold Lint:Phil Moskowitz? Phil: Yes!, Vhat did you expect - Ricardo Montalban? Rod: You're the Extra Commercial? Phil: Don't laugh, my brother Saul owns Jordache Jeans! ["The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" states that the Jordache Jeans Company was actually a very clever marketing ploy by the makers of Preparation H. It was their intention to boost the sales of their rectal paraphernalia by inducing Americans to stuff their gludius maximus into overly confined garments. The ploy did not succeed.] Gillian: What are you doing here? Phil: I'm on my vay to the Net Christmas Special. This year it's being hosted by Johnny Arson and Bud McMolson. Vhen you're a purely commercial item like me, you have to travel a lot. Xaphod: But you're Jewish, what are you doing on a Christmas special? Phil: Believe me, it vasn't my idea. Some people out there actually think I'm Christ reborn. I knew a kid in Brooklyn name Jesus Martinez, but that's as close as I ever got. Anyvay, I'm hot right now in the market, so I go on any show they can get me on. Arnold Lint:That's unbelievable! How'd you get started in the business? Phil: Vell, I tell ya'. One day I'm sitting there, eating a lox on rye, and some movie man comes up to me and says: "I'm gonna make you are star". Next thing I know I'm in some nutso movie vith a bunch of little kids. I hate little kids. No sooner does the movie hit the screens than there are E.C. video games, clothing, silverware, contraceptives, books, posters, and kinky undergarments. You name it and I was on it. Then came the TV shows and all the publicity events - I actually cut the ribbon on the Jimmy Carter Memorial Brothel and Pro Shop! Then I had to appear at the opening of "Nukes are Us" - a store for budding nuclear powers. Xaphod: Wow, that's wild. Phil: Vell, I gotta run. Gillian: Bye! (The bright light once again fills the bridge, it fades and E.C. is gone.) Arnold Lint:That was incredible! Martin: If you say so! Rod: Quiet! Xaphod: Well, we're here . . . Netrothea! Martin: Oh joy and yummies. ******************** End Of Part 4 ******************** What will Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity find on Netrothea? For the answer to this spine-tingling question . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel. Also, be sure not to miss the BIG NET CHRISTMAS SPECIAL starring Johnny Arson, Bud McMolson, Richard Nixon, Barry Manilow, Richard Simmons, and Teddy the Wonder Lizard. danielle