Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý Ý Û Ý Ý Ý BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written August 4th, 1992 #013 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ Presents Ú ÄÄ ¿ "How to Commit the Perfect Murder" ³ by ³ Constantine À ÄÄ Ù LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Portions of the following text deal with methods of murdering Fundementalist Christians. In order to avoid possible legal liability, the author wishes to make it known that he IN NO WAY APPROVES of Fundementalist Christianity. Thank you. So you wanna commit the perfect murder. BLaH is here to help. This tfile provides sample methods of killing someone and getting away with it, only a small part of our "Torture, Murder and Cannibalism" home study course. You can obtain the home study course for only $19.95 per installment-- contact your local representative today! Now, before you go making grand escape plans and ways to hide the body, one simple question must be answered-- who are you going to kill? Yes, it's common sense, but the choice of victim can mean the difference between a humdrum, boring murder and a satisfying, invigorating one (for under 200 calories!). If you're like me, you've probably got enemies lined up and out the door. This makes the selection of victim rather easy. In case you have no enemies and just want to try murder for yourself, why not take some of mine? Just contact me at any BLaH outpost for a full list of names, addresses, and reasons they should die. If you are still undecided, may I suggest Donald Wildmon? Donald Wildmon is the head of the American Family Association, a fascist Fundie group that supports the banning of just about every television show, book and movie in existance because it offends his "Christian" morals (including ALF-- no joke!). Wildmon is the guy who got Playboy pulled from 7-11s across the country a few years back, and lead part of the drive against "The Last Temptation of Christ" (not that he ever SAW the movie). He also pulls in millions of dollars in contributions to his various shadow corporat-- excuse me, I mean "moral action groups". If Donnie-boy is too obscure for you, Jesse Helms and Jimmy Swaggart also make great murder victims. Try one today. Now that you have a victim chosen, get them alone and KILL THEM. This is the "murder" part of "committing a perfect murder". Just take a handy blunt object and whack them over the head with it repeatedly. Or, for the more adventurous, knives and guns, not to mention the poison mucous of the Australian pufferbird, can do the trick. In order to avoid being seen, make sure that you are ALONE with the victim before you whack them over the head. It may be common sense, but we left that out of the first draft of this pamphlet and Erwin Ficklebinder, a young student, proceeded to murder his college counselor in the middle of a large shopping mall. He was arrested, and massive lawsuits followed from Ficklebinder's family. Now you're in the "habeas corpus" phase of the operation, a legal phrase which means "you have the body". You DO have the body. Hopefully in one or several opaque baggies at this point. Get thee to a mortuary. At the mortuary, cremate the sucker. You will be left with a lot of ashes and a quantity of bone fragments and teeth. Scatter the ashes to the four winds. You still have the teeth, which is a problem because the boys down in forensics can still identify the victim. C'mon, didn't you ever watch "Quincy"? Get a large glass of Jolt cola and leave the teeth inside overnight. In the morning, they will have dissolved. That's right, your elementary school teacher WASN'T lying about that. She was still a bitch, but she did tell the truth. Now there are no remains, thus no way to pin the non-existant "murder" on you. It has thus become a perfect murder. This has just been one way to commit the perfect murder. If you decide to order our home study course (see details above), you'll also learn the Jeffy Dahmer method of body disposal (and interior decoration), the Manson Defense (get some OTHER schmuck to commit the murder), and how to talk just like Hannibal Lecter. Order TODAY. {---End of File... Safe-T-Nutz v0.90á says "5283 Bytes Total"--------------} Ok, fine, so we're releasing 15 tfiles in 3 days.. what's it to you? BLaH ts.. places you can take our crap and drink it Nun-Beaters Anonymous | <708>251-5094 | 110/16.8k Hell Bound | <708>965-8965 | 2400/14.4k The Insane Asylum | <305>927-3028 | 2400/16.8k The Realm of Death | <419>475-3089 | 2400/16.8k If it says BLaH, it probably isn't... {---Property Line. Git out now...------------------------------------------}