=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Whoooo are you...who,who...who,who... ------------------------------------- Act II, Scene I [Audience enters, sits] It's been a fair length of time since I took the soapbox for an extended email sermon. When I did the rapid succession previously, I was entrenched in a (now lost) war with the forces of nicotine addiction. It's a LOT easier to expel angst and rage when all you want is a couple hauls off of a duke (duke (n): another name for a cigarette, based on the fact that cigarettes killed the Duke). Now, (un)happily smoking again, outbursts become more analytical and calculated. I decided to write again because of this new found focus; this new harnessed outlook. When you detach yourself from society in general, your senses enhance (much like touch making up for the loss of sight). Like being the only sober person at a party, you realize that drunks are idiots (i.e., me (the drunk, not the observer)). Observation is nothing if you cannot share it though. I can watch the news or see someone in traffic, realize how pathetic or ridiculous society is, and laugh to myself. Problem: You laugh, and think how funny said situation is. Then, you think it would be even funnier if you could tell someone (much the same as thinking 'oooh, that's what I should have said. that would have REALLY zinged 'em!'). Then you slowly stop laughing because it is the twentieth time you thought that today, and still have no one to tell. Then you stop laughing entirely when you realize that you are a lonely, pathetic man with no life because you have to amuse yourself. Finally, you compensate by sending long verbose email ("I have this 'friend' with this problem..."). ANYway... Whether it be email, chat rooms, AOL, or just computing online in general, you cannot be yourself. Either your name is taken, or you do not want to be known. Whatever the reason, we assume names and identities online so that we can navigate comfortably. Some consider it to be 'clothing' to wear on the Internet rather than 'bare' ourselves. Using your real name online is like spirit-gumming your wallet to your head, and then wandering outside the greater Washington DC area. You will..no, DESERVE to be robbed, beaten, and raped by the predators that stalk the Ether. I know that some companies force you to use your real name in email (Jessidia_Springfield@microsoftinthehead.com), but that is also the exception to safety. Online scam artists and hackers will largely leave you unscathed. They realize that any company that makes you give out your name (first, last, and god-knows-why, middle) in email, falling just short of making you include your social security number, has already robbed you of your identity to the point that there isn't one to left to steal. In defense of these folks (since some are in the To: field), would you feel safer working for a company that would allow "cuddlyface;)@citibank.com"? Hell, I'd just as soon take free tube socks rather than participate in THEIR 401k. So, that just leaves the plain stupid. If you are "Seth_Brundel@aol.com", you may as well be "Seth_Brundel_199_W_Main_Chicago_555-1212@anal_pentarate_me.com". The rest of us live under assumed names. It could be from medieval warriors, household plants, childhood toys ("Rooossseeebuuuddddd....."), or Hawaiian words for "male part that dangles"; we all have a story to tell with user names. Strangely, I have found, that no one wants to know anymore. It is either a) you would never walk up to a guy in the park with a shopping cart full of crusted Betamax videos, sharpening a straight razor on his tongue as he wets himself, and ask how life's been treating him (the "BETTER not to know" category), or b) you never ask a drug dealer/spy/undercover cop/hooker their real name unless you want a automatic round/stiletto/fist/switchblade in your face (the "SAFER not to know" category). Either way, we are as comfortable with pseudonyms as Agents 86 and 99. So now that you have your identity, and your unfathomable reason for it, you go out to play in silicon pastures. Whether it be email, newsgroups, or chat, you have your cape&cowl on, and your secret identity as billionaire/philanthropist/playboy carefully hidden. You will send messages, you will post questions and replies, and you come about as close to interaction as sex through the glass at quarter peep-show. Still, despite the entrenched effort to avoid even verbal contact, people are social animals, and will eventually want to talk or (shudder) meet. This is when the real spycraft begins. Imagine you have been going back and forth via email with someone at another company, or you meet through a chat room. You are intrigued with the way they type, and desire to finally meet (completely forgetting that in person they will not have 20 minutes to come up with a typed reply, and thus are excruciatingly dull on-the-fly). Enter first contact: "Hello" "Errrr...hi." "Hi" "Who is this" "Neil" [silence] "Who?" "Neil. You know...wellhung. From AOL." "Ohhhh. Hi." "Hi" [painful silence continues for a long, agonizing time] Now let's say the silence is eventually replaced with conversation. Let's go so far as to say you continue to keep in touch. For a long time, you will need to include your screen name with your real name like some word-association or foreign language tape. Eventually, this sign-countersign crap dissipates, but you accept having to go though with it a little TOO easily. I mean, wasn't this the reason we have middle name? Aren't we given a built-in alter-ego in case we later learn our parents cannot be trusted with dolling out a first name? The real irony is that we go out of our way to pick out a screen name that (while reflecting our personality in an otherwise cold, electronic world) sounds ridiculous if said aloud. Even worse is the fact we have to do it when we FIRST meet someone; during that crucial first-impression period. Would you go to Denny's on a first date (no, no one would, but bear with me for the sake of analogy) and order "Moons Over My Hammy"? The best comedian laughs at himself. Thus, I admit I have gone through this with more than one person on this mailing. I have been capone before I have been me. The fact remains that I live out here in the data quite a bit, so it's inevitable. The rest of you may not have had the pleasure yet. With an increasing electronic world, you may still yet. What is the moral of the story? Duh, none, since I am neither of the Brothers Grimm. What there is is a pause to think. You MUST pick an identity to live behind online. It is 'The Club' when parking in the Bronx. You MAY meet someone based on this name alone. So, try to pick something you can live with. No little kid wants to be called 'stinky' because they accidentally messed themselves at the playground one day. By the same token, no mature adult wishes to be 'love-pistol', 'sleepybaby', 'foofy', 'camero-man', 'sassytabby', or 'five_days_off_of_thorazine_and_remembering_my_hands_are_razors'. So to you, my sensible friends, I beseech you to be there for a friend when they sign up for "15 Free Hours!". Counsel them, warn them, coach them. Be a humanitarian. Friends don't let friends pick #$%^#@ stupid user names. Nakedly, Capone End Act II =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, etc etc... = = Internet : jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = gote land +27.31.441115 = = Arrested Development +31.77.3547477 = = Global Chaos +61.2.681.2837 = = Chemical Persuasion 203.324.0894 Undrgrnd Indust/Inc. 207.490.2158 = = Damnation 212.861.0580 Damnation -Toll Free 888.803.8490 = = Hacker's Haven 303.516.9969 Unearthly Shadows 303.683.1443 = = E.L.F. (NUP) 314.272.3426 Misery 318.625.4532 = = Dungeon Sys. 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All files copyright by the original author = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= (11/23/96)