=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Purpose ------- I have no snappy intro, so pardon my lack of a professionally written essay. Lately, having been on the F.U.C.K mailing list for a little while, it seemed to me that the files F.U.C.K once had has been reduced to angst driven generation x'ers whining about how bad their life is, usually dealing with depression, chemical or not, first and foremost. That's what my shallowest thought was at first, at least, and I rebuked myself for thinking that. Everyone gets depressed, sure, and I'm not one to argue. I've got depression, yes, chemical, and in the last year it's become a large chunk of my life. But in the past few years, I've also gotten to be close friends with many people who's depression far surpasses mine. To me, my depression seems to be small mood swings (although I'm not manic), while they truly seem to be on the brink of killing themselves at a moment. Most everything about yourself, you'll find, can easily be dwarfed by someone else, somewhere else. Dragging someone back from the pits of suicide can take quite a toll, and it's an experience that I've re-lived a few times, that I care not to repeat. Saving someone's life is not the glory the movies make it to be, not the beauty that the books say it is. Keeping someone alive was one of the most difficult things I'd ever attempted to do, and even then, the very concept was thrust upon me suddenly. And this is what I realized, among all these emotional shards, and after wading through the bullshit about myself. You let someone into your life, and you care for them, and then whatever deity you happen to worship takes this person in your life and threatens to have them leave forever. Right then, you find that you'll do something at all costs to keep them with you. "I'm alive, I'm alone, but I never wanted to be either of those." -Chemical Brothers Many of you out there reading this have sat in a room for days, dark, silent, brooding upon whatever went wrong in your life. More often than not, you're by yourself. No one is going to sit in a room and brood with you, for days, with no food, no light, no words. So you don't want to live. Too bad. You're alive. Now, the secondary things take effect. You're alive, yes, and let's say that you don't have the guts to take your own life; to just flush it all away in a tidalwave of pills or with a few delicate arcs of a razor. How are you going to live? Do you want to live alone? When I asked myself that question, my mind, of course, threw myself back into the past where many, many people I've let close to me had hurt me, scarred me in ways that still affect me. "Of course", I had decided. "Alone sounds beautiful at times." It hasn't been all bad experiences, however. Think down your past, or present, perhaps. There's been a person who, at one time, gave a damn about you, and possibly still does. Human companionship is something that's kept me alive a few times. It's time to ask yourself why you're not dead yet, but you want to die. Well. So. You're still alive. Unconsciously, you're living for something, whether you like it or not. Something is making you get up every day, and making you walk past the loaded .44 that you have in your dresser drawer, and making you pass by the large steak knife that has had no sole purpose in your kitchen otherwise. What is it? In most cases, it's human companionship. Perhaps you live for the injection of the needle into you, every morning. Perhaps it's for the sex you can get with just a question. Something is keeping you alive. Sometimes it's never a fun thing to question who you are, to dig deep and analyze what makes you a person, but it's apparent from past issues that many of you already know who you are, and that you're not afraid to dwell deep into yourself when the moment calls for it. So. Analyze what keeps you alive. It's something. Once you can label what it is, keep that thought. Kindle it, keep it close to you and shield it from any possible damage. Because if you lose that, then you lose everything. Literally. All of it. Maybe the bleakness of death hasn't exactly looked you into the face yet, or for some of you, maybe you awake finding death looking at you. Either way, you're either foreign or familiar with it. Do you fear it? I do. I believe there's nothing after death. No pretty afterlife, sorry, no bright lights and angels. So I've made up my mind that if I want to be happy, I'm going to go out and make myself happy. I'm not about to sit on my ass and wait for a clown to walk through my door and start tying balloon animals in front of my face, while I sit, amused. Those sorts of things really don't happen. I promise. And sometimes, I find that one person is the only thing that makes me want to live. The fact that I have someone. At all. And maybe I don't know what true happiness is. Everyone has a different definition, but some people are fooling themselves while they drown in their own pool of denial that they've made for themselves to escape their reality, and to avoid the fact that there's still options open. So, are you sitting in front of your monitor, thinking of ways to die? Ways to get laid? Ways to be loved? Ways to have sex? Ways to get high? Ways to avoid someone? Ways to confront someone? Ways to spend the rest of your existence? Whatever makes you "happy". flood =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions = = Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with = = "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back = = issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK = = FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids = = FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK = = FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK = = WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho = = http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html = = http://www.simunye.com/fuck = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = (c) Copyright. 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