=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Velvet Without -------------- Going into my room, I close the door, and walk over to my bed, laying down, I grab the bear that I had gotten for a Christmas present the day before, and close my eyes, as I curl up on the bed. Wearing all black velvet, I do not even feel like I am me. Jewlery that I had bought or was given to me, shiny and bright. A necklace, a ring. Simple but just right. Hugging on to the bear, I fall into a sleep. Sometimes I wish I could just stay there. Not having to face the ones within the house, nor the outside world. Do not answer the phone, just turn the ringer off. No communication with anyone, outside of my own little world. Would I at least stay happy that way? Safe? Could I really live that way? I really wonder. For once, I am laying on my bed, and in my room with -no- music! Something that probably happens once every so many blue moons. Totally relaxed and calm, just waiting for me to decide to look into my own world. Having written the letters I've been meaning to write, and having heard from some that I had only hoped to, I was comforted by the fact that there was someone that cared. Little did I know, that I was only fooling myself. The mind is a powerful thing to waste, I have always heard. And since it is so powerful, it can often play tricks on you, or is it my heart that has played this hand? Hearing the voices outside of my door, I do not even make an attempt to move. Let them think I am only sleeping and not hearing a word, no one ended up coming in, to find out either way. Curling up a bit more, because the heat is not on, and even though it is only dark and gloomy, brown and gray outside, with no snow in sight - it is still very cold. More thoughts flutter through my mind, as I recall the words from the vine. I should have known better, and not trusted my heart, for he only came in to go on without. I know what I need to do, and what I should do, but neither is something I want to do. It would be best for me, sometimes I think if I would just simply disappear. Then I would not need to deal with it ... and maybe he'd realize how much he really -does- care. Again, I am only fooling myself. Drifting in and out of a dream, that I will never remember, I wonder if I will live the rest of my life this way ... and I wish that I could only remain as simple as I wanted. Hours later someone comes in, waking me up after several attempts. I did not want to wake, nor did I want to do any thing they asked. But, I did as they asked, and smiled while doing it. I know I should be thankful, but at times I really wish I could always remain laying there, knowing I am pretty, and not have to worry about a thing. Even though, I was laying there though, I was not fully me. Me wearing all black velvet with jewlery that shines? That is not me, is it? Sometimes, I have heard of people comparing themselves to a mix of colors, and I need to wonder if people ever compare themselves to materials ... cloths. And, I wonder what I would consider myself to be, shaking my head what a silly thought. Even if everyone did, I would not. Always striving to be me, and living towards my hearts guidance, I really lay back and wonder now, if it has all been worth it. None of the scales of reality need to weigh in my world, but the world itself, is not of my own making. So, I dare to get up and rise out of this bed, to begin a new day with no velvet or jewlery. -Kamira December 27th, 1997 kami@sekurity.org www.sekurity.org/~kamira =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions = = Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with = = "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back = = issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK = = FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids = = FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK = = FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK = = WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho = = http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html = = http://www.simunye.com/fuck = = http://www.dis.org/se7en/fuck = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=