=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= And It Won't Make Any Difference -------------------------------- I don't know if I'll even send this message, but I figure I should at least write some of this crap out so I can get some sleep. Tomorrow is my birthday. Somehow, I didn't think my life would be this way at this age; that there was going to be like this. I expected more, but it didn't make any difference. Where's the family I was supposed to have by now? Where's the two kids, the mortgage, a loving spouse? All I have is this empty house, two ex's, and daily walks among strangers, none of whom I so much as exchange a word with. Where's this life I thought I was going to have? It's like it's all been slowly stripped away without my knowing, only to have myself starkly reminded of it on this anniversary of my birth. I expected more than this, but it didn't make any difference. Some look at me and think me a success based on the work I do and the knowledge and skills I possess. In a way, I see myself as a success in that realm. Yet isn't work supposed to be something you do so that you can support a family, give the ones you love a decent life and leave a lasting legacy for your children? Isn't there supposed to be more to life than merely doing one's job? Isn't there? And if there is, why don't I deserve it? I expected better, but that didn't make any difference. I really can't talk to anyone about this face to face. At the very core of all this, I feel ashamed. Ashamed that, somehow, I've failed; that I don't measure up; that I don't have what it takes. And each day goes by, taking with it the likelihood that I'll ever catch up. And each passing weekday of work eventually yields to the weekend and the quiet knowledge that if I were to drop dead on a Friday evening, no-one would even know until late Monday morning when I would fail to show up for work. A sobering reality, but one I know all too well. I really expected more, but that doesn't make any difference. And counseling...*sigh*...more talk and no action. I can't see myself talking about this shit every day with someone I'd have to pay to listen to me. That seems an even greater insult than the hand already dealt to me; that I'd have to pay someone to hear about my dreams unfulfilled and expectations unmet, all in spite of my best efforts. My heart would be no lighter for the telling. Indeed, the only thing that would get lighter would be my wallet as I steadily drift toward age 40, then age 50, then age 60, and so on. I'd expect more, but it wouldn't make any difference. I feel very old today. And very alone. Yet no one really cares to hear that. Feelings like that make people uncomfortable. Life's difficult enough without adding that to the mix. So they wish me a 'Happy Birthday' and I simply smile, shut up and carry on with my work. I put in my time, go home, feed my pets, exercise, go to bed, get up, repeat. I guess it's things like that which drive most people to an early grave. But I'll manage...I always do. It's what's expected of me. And it won't make any difference. - anonymous =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions = = Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with = = "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back = = issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK = = FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids = = FTP.DTO.NET /pub/zines/fuck = = FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK = = WWW http://www.sekurity.org/~fuck (temp down) = = http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho = = http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html = = http://www.simunye.com/fuck = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=