GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e , I n c o r p o r a t e d Presents: __ __ 77777777777 444 _____ ____ _| |__| |_ 777 44 44 // | \ |_ __ _| 777 44 44 || ____ | || | | | | | 777 44444444444 || || \ / | || | _| |__| |_ 777 44 \\___// \/\/ |____/ |_ __ _| 777 44 |__| |__| 777 44 777 4444 "Shakespeare Silliness, Part Deux" also titled "Romeo and Juliet: Gangstas In Heat" by Spanky McDougal, Sir! (now Yancey Slide) and Lobo (Licious) ----- GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime ***** Issue #74 ----- ----- release date: 11-25-99 ***** ISSN 1523-1585 ----- [Note: hitting "Page Down" twice will skip most of the intro, which is all about covering our asses.] PREVIOUSLY IN "SHAKESPEARE SILLINESS"... "Thus, we leave you until the next exciting installment of Shakespeare Silliness, a satire of that most celebrated of plays, _Romeo and Juliet_." - Lobo, GwD#24 (gwd24.txt), released May 1994 -[ FIVE YEAR / 50 ISSUE INTERMISSION ]- AND TONIGHT.... "The following adaptation of Romeo and Juliet was written for a Freshman (H.S) English class in 1994. It sat in a zip file on Lobo Licious's drive for five years before being rediscovered in August 1999, at which time it was reworked, adding more contemporary and colorful language. It is being published despite the objections of Yancey Slide (who was known as Spanky McDougal, Sir! when it was written). It was written before the Baz Luhrmann movie "William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet" (a "modern" adaptation of the play with the original Shakespearean dialog, which starred Leonardo DiPansio and Claire Danes), which was released in 1997. We had no knowledge of such a movie when we wrote it, and it's not really the same thing, anyway. Shit man, we haven't even seen the movie. So don't get in a huffy and think we copied the movie, cuz we didn't. The original story is intact, but we changed the dialog, because we're so fucking cool. It is, of course, intended to be all in fun and isn't meant to offend anyone. If it offends you, try not being so sensitive. Shit, we were 15 when we wrote it. Cut us some fucking slack." - Lobo Licious, August 1999 ***** Romeo and Juliet: Gangstas In Heat ***** -= ACT ONE =- + SCENE 1 + (Enter SAMPSON and GREGORY, members of the CRIPS, armed with shiny new AK-47's.) SAMPSON. Say, Greg, I don't need yo' fuckin' insults. You wan' throw now? GREGORY. No, because then everybody'd think we was dumb or somethin'. SAMPSON. If dey make us mad, we'll bust a cap in dey ass. GREGORY. Yeh. SAMPSON (making fun of his friend). I move real fast, ya know. GREGORY. Yeah, but you hits like a bitch! SAMPSON. Them Bloods is makin' me mad! GREGORY. Don't be a pussy this time around. SAMPSON. I'll kick all of they asses if I have to! GREGORY. Sheeeee-it! You'll run as soon as they pull out their fuckin' blades. SAMPSON. I'll bust 'em all up, even the bitches! GREGORY. Leave dem outta dis shit; this is a man's fight. SAMPSON. Fine. I won't do much to them girlies. (winks and giggles) GREGORY. Huh? SAMPSON. We gonna bust 'em up real good. Sheeee-it. GREGORY. The Bloods are gonna be in pain when we done wit' dem suckas! SAMPSON. I still want one-a-dem wimmen. GREGORY. Naw, they wouldn't want yo' sorry ass. Ya smell like welfare rations. Hah! Hey, look who's comin' into da 'hood. It's a couple of those dirty cocksuckin' Bloods. You packin' yer 9 today? SAMPSON. Word. (Enter ABRAHAM and BALTHASAR, members of the BLOODS) SAMPSON. Naw dude, but I got my AK. Today is a good day. I'll cover your ass, go start some shit with one of 'em. GREGORY. Man, that's hate! You're gonna skip out and let em' roll me! They'll flip me. Flip me for real! SAMPSON. No way! Don't be a chicken. I's right behind you. GREGORY. Sure you are. 'S just like last time, right? SAMPSON. Let 'em start it this time, Gregrie-boy. GREGORY. How 'bout if I stick out my mu-fuckin' tongue when we pass 'em? SAMPSON. No. I'll flip 'em off and see how they like dat shit. Heheheh. (SAMPSON flips off the BLOODS) ABRAHAM. You ain't flippin' me and my homey off, is ya? SAMPSON. Well, I ain't flippin' off da damn light post. ABRAHAM. What's up wit' dat, den? SAMPSON (Said in an imitation of the friendly neighborhood police officer). Greg my man, what do we tell the kind gents? GREGORY. Say no, man. SAMPSON (to ABRAHAM). Well, then, it ain't at yous guys. GREGORY (to ABRAHAM). You wanna throw, then? ABRAHAM. No way, I still got scars from last time we busted y'alls asses. SAMPSON. Well, if you wan', we can fight over how our crew is bettah than yo's. ABRAHAM. Sheeeee-it. (laughs) The Bloods'll beat ya'll any day! SAMPSON. How 'bout it, then? Quit frontin' and step up. GREGORY (to Sampson). Say better, here comes one of the gang leaders. SAMPSON. The Bloods're gonna take you down, man. Everyone-a-y'all. ABRAHAM. Naw! (Enter BENVOLIO, cousin of one of the leaders of the BLOODS). SAMPSON. Well, then, it's time ta whup yer ass. (The four gangsters draw their switchblades and fight.) BENVOLIO. Stop that right now! You ain't down wit' what's really goin' down. Dis shit is above your headz. (He pulls out his machete, and the knife fight halts.) (Enter TYBALT, a hot-headed gangster, and nephew of one of the leaders of the CRIPS.) TYBALT. (He's a bit angered). What's up wit' dat shit, Benvolio? You want I should do the same to you? BENVOLIO. All I was tryin' to do was keep da peace. We gots a treaty, ya know. TYBALT. Why you got dat machete out if we's at peace? I hate all Bloods, and that includes you, you sorry ass muh-fucka. (Tybalt draws his machete.) You pussy, I's gonna take you down! (Enter several members of both gangs who join the fight; then enter a cop and some citizens with night sticks and cans of mace.) FIRST CITIZEN. Take 'em down quick and take 'em down hard. This city doesn't need any stinking Bloods *OR* Crips. (Enter CAPULET, Lord of the CRIPS and his wife.) CAPULET. Get my sawed-off, I wan' in on dis shit! LADY CAPULET (chuckling). Ha! You need a cane instead, old man! CAPULET. Give me my sawed-off, else I'll pimp-slap yo' bitch-ass! Damn, woman! (Enter MONTAGUE and his wife, Lord and Lady of the BLOODS.) MONTAGUE. Fuck you, Capulet! (To his wife) Lemme fight, I could take his ass out easy! LADY MONTAGUE. No way! I seen what they did to ya last time. (Enter ESCALUS, police chief of the city.) ESCALUS. Hey guys, none of that. Anymore of this gang war, and I'll have your heads, Capulet and Montague. I want to talk to you two separately. And everybody else, just get out of my sight. You make me sick. (Exeunt all but MONTAGUE, LADY MONTAGUE, and BENVOLIO.) MONTAGUE. Why do we wanna kick they asses anyway? (To himself) Damn, I hate the Man. Why don't I ever have my cop-killuh bullets when I need 'em? (To BENVOLIO) Yo, nephew, what gives? Why the rumble today? BENVOLIO. Some Crips were over here, and they messed with some of ours right before I came by. Tybalt also showed, and so da shit went down, 'til the fuckin' Man broke it up. LADY MONTAGUE. Where's my son Romeo. Dat boy didn't come home last night. BENVOLIO. I saw him out at the dump this morning. He looked kinda dreamy. Mebbe he's back on da crack or somethin'. MONTAGUE. Yeah, he goes to the dump every morning and den comes home and sleeps all day, like a little bitch. I need him for...business...and all he evuh does is sleep. BENVOLIO. Uncmontague, ya know why he does it? MONTAGUE. I don't know, and he sho' ain't tellin' me. BENVOLIO. Maybe you made him mad. Nah. MONTAGUE. Hey, I tries...but it ain't easy being Pops, ya know? But I can't figger out why he be trippin. I'm guessin' he'll tell me when he be ready. Else I might have to cap his ass. (chuckles, but sounds half-serious) (Enter Romeo, still looking rather dreamy.) BENVOLIO. There he is! I'll talk to him for yas. MONTAGUE. Thanks, Blood. I see great things in yo' future if'n you finds out what's up wit' dat son-a-mine. (Exeunt MONTAGUE and LADY MONTAGUE.) BENVOLIO. 'Sup, cuz? ROMEO. Go away and leave me alone. Fuck off, Ben. BENVOLIO. Damn! Don't yell at my ass. Say, it's early, still lotsa stuff we can do today. ROMEO. Shit, I feel funny. Where'd my pops run off to? BENVOLIO. He went home. 'Sup witchu? ROMEO. I want sumpin' I can't git. BENVOLIO. I get it, you's in love! Ah! ROMEO. Not 'zactly. BENVOLIO. What then? ROMEO. I love da bitch, but she don't love me. BENVOLIO. Ain't love evil? Oh well, there's always Buckwheat Bertha. That ho love EVERYBODY! Heh. ROMEO. Nah dude, I ain't down wit' dat skank-ass trick. There's only one that I love; da only one I evuh really loved. BENVOLIO. Shit man, you's depressin'. I feel sorry for ya, cuz. ROMEO. Thanks, bro'. I needs people ta be feelin' sorry for me. BENVOLIO. Well, not really sorry for ya, just yer predic'ment. ROMEO. Why don't she love me? Why? WHY!?! Ah, I'd best be off to think about her s'more. BENVOLIO. Hey, none o' dat. I goin' witcha! ROMEO. What'm I tinkin'? I ain't me. It's like bein' high, man, it's like bein' somewhere else. Ya've smoked da rock, ain't ya? You know what I'm sayin'? BENVOLIO. So, who do ya love, anyways? ROMEO. You want me to tell you? Why da fuck should I? BENVOLIO. 'Cuz maybe it'll help yer ass a little. ROMEO. Well, she's a woman. BENVOLIO (laughing). I hope so! ROMEO. She's fuckin' pretty, too. She ain't no skank. BENVOLIO. Word. ROMEO. She's the most beautiful girl I ever saw. She got stuff from all the good sto's, too...Hilfiger out da ass. But she's still a stuck up be-atch. BENVOLIO. So she don't want you. ROMEO. Naw, she don't want me. BENVOLIO. Don't think 'bout her, cuz. She ain't worth da trouble. ROMEO. How can I stop thinkin' 'bout her? She owns my mind! Rosaline owns my mind! BENVOLIO. She ain't the only chick around. Find somebody else, man. ROMEO. All other bitches'll remind me of her. Shit, love sucks! You cain't do nuttin' ta make me forget her. BENVOLIO. Let's put some cash money on that, bitch. A Benjamin sound good? + SCENE 2 + (Enter CAPULET, PARIS, and SERVANT.) CAPULET (addressing PARIS). I gotta keep the peace, just like Montague. It shouldn't be that bigga deal, ya know. PARIS. Yeah, but yo daughtah is a lil old to not be married. CAPULET. Hmm. But, that's too soon. She ain't even fo'teen yet. Come back in two years and she'll be yo wife, sez me. (To SERVANT) Yo, servant. You wanna be a Crip? Well, invite these homeys to my shindig, and you's in. (He hands him a piece of paper.) (Exeunt CAPULET and PARIS.) SERVANT. Hey, I cain't read! Maybe I shoulda called "Hooked On Phonics" like momma wanted me to. (Enter Benvolio and Romeo.) BENVOLIO. We gots ta find you anuthuh woman, fast. ROMEO. That sho' makes me feel better. BENVOLIO. Why should I make you feel better? Just kiddin', you my cuz. ROMEO. I don' like yer shit. Yer goin' down for this! BENVOLIO. I know you're excited, now calm down. ROMEO. Oh, it ain't your fault. I'm just so sad. (To SERVANT) Sup? SERVANT. 'Sup? Is you literate? ROMEO. I cain read, if thaz whatchou mean. SERVANT. So, can you read this pape-uh fo' me? ROMEO. Sho can. SERVANT. Well, show me. (He doubts ROMEO's ability to read.) ROMEO. Hey, man, I can read. (He then reads the names of all who are invited to CAPULET's party that evening, and then returns the paper to the SERVANT.) Wowie, all of those people. When they gon' be there? SERVANT. Sevenish, I tink. ROMEO. Why they gon' be there? SERVANT. To eat a lot, and mebbe do some...things after dinner. ROMEO. Where dis at? SERVANT. At da boss's crack house. ROMEO. Ah, but who's da boss? What're you claimin'? SERVANT. I serve Capulet and the Crips. (Exit.) BENVOLIO. Hey, let's go to the party. Rosaline'll be there. Lots of other bitches, too. Maybe you can find one that's prettier than her. ROMEO. How dare you? I love-er, and I always will. Ain't no better lookin' girl around! BENVOLIO. I betcha find another who makes Rosaline look like the ol' lady down da street who only has fo' teef. (The last is said humorously, trying to liven ROMEO's spirits.) ROMEO. I'll go, but only t'look at Rosaline. 'S stalking il-lee-gal in Verona? (Exeunt.) + SCENE 3+ (Enter LADY CAPULET and NURSE.) LADY CAPULET. Yo, nurse. Where's my daughtah? She was s'posed ta be heah fo' owahs ago. NURSE. I don' know. Juliet, get yo' punk-ass out heah, now! (Enter JULIET.) JULIET. 'Sup? NURSE. Yo momma wants you. JULIET. Momma? Whatchou want? LADY CAPULET. Here goes. Nurse, get out! We gotta secret ta tawk 'bout. No, wait! Get yo'sef back here. I need yo hep. NURSE. Whoa, I know Juliet's age! LADY CAPULET. She ain't fo'teen yet, is she? NURSE. No, not yet. How long is it 'til Lammastide? LADY CAPULET. A coupla weeks. NURSE. On Lammas Eve, she'll be fo'teen. (She proceeds to tell a nonsensical story of JULIET falling down when she was younger and her own husband making the child laugh.) LADY CAPULET. 'Nuff o' dat shit. Be quiet! (The Nurse ends her story, only slightly pausing for LADY CAPULET's order.) JULIET. Stop it, nurse! I don't need no more o' that shit. NURSE. I'm finished, anyways. All I want is to see you married, girlie. I'll do anything ta make you happy. LADY CAPULET. Thas jus' what I wanted to talk to Juliet about. Bein' married, that is. You wanna husband, right girl? Or ya just wanna get knocked up like yo' momma did? JULIET. Sho, why not. Marriage I mean. Might be fun. NURSE. Fun! Marriage is like a party! LADY CAPULET. You're pretty old not ta be married, ya know. I wuz married when I wuz younger den you. 'Course, I already had three kids. Paris wants you to be his wife. NURSE. Ooo, he fine girl. LADY CAPULET. He sho is! Flowers ain't nuttin' compared t'him. (almost whispers) Yo' fathuh ain't nuthin' compared t'him, neither, come to think of it. NURSE. No, he is a flower. LADY CAPULET (To JULIET). Whadda ya say? You want him or no? I think you should take this chance. He'll make you a better woman! NURSE. Yeah, you'll be a bettah woman! LADY CAPULET. Can you love dat man? You hear me child? JULIET. I'll try. (Enter SERVANT.) SERVANT. Yo, lady! The guests is here! You gonna come and git drunk, 'n maybe smoke some herb? LADY CAPULET. We right behind you. (Exit SERVANT.) Lieutenant Paris is here, Juliet. NURSE. Get to it, Jules! (Exeunt.) + SCENE 4 + (Enter ROMEO, MERCUTIO, BENVOLIO, TORCHBEARERS, and five or six others; all but MERCUTIO are in masks, as he is actually invited to the party.) ROMEO. So, do we crash the party or just act like we coo'? BENVOLIO. Let's jus' act like guests. If there're any ladies there, we won't get nowheres if we bust up da place. ROMEO. Gimme a flashlight. I don't wanna dance, so I'll help you guys. MERCUTIO. No, you gotta dance if I gotta. ROMEO. Not me. I'm too sad ta dance. MERCUTIO. You're too wrapped up in whatchou tink is "love". Hahahah! ROMEO. Love has capped me wit' its 9. What can I say? MERCUTIO. If you give in to it, you's a weak man. ROMEO (sighing). Love is evil. It's like robbin' a jewelry store. Sure, you getta lotta pretty things. But, they all have pieces of glass on 'em, and they cut you. MERCUTIO. If you're really in love and it's mean ta you, you gotta be mean to it. Bitch-slap it! 'Sides, yo' pimp hand is still pretty strong. You don' need "love" ta get your socks blown. BENVOLIO. Open thuh door! ROMEO. Gimme a flashlight, dawg! I wanna watch the fun, 'steada purticipatin'. MERCUTIO. If you don't dance, we'll roll you! ROMEO. You couldn't if you tried! MERCUTIO. We're just tryin' to hep you. We take care o' our own, ya know. ROMEO. Wearing masks is silly. It's kiddie-shit. MERCUTIO. Why? ROMEO. Cuz, last night, I had a dream. MERCUTIO. Me too. ROMEO. Whadjou dream? MERCUTIO. That people who have dreams is fuckin' liars. ROMEO. Yeah, but yo dreams don' lie to ya. MERCUTIO. What about Queen Mab? She the fairy that goes into lovers' brains and messes wif 'em. I bet she's at work on yer sorry ass. She also makes wimmen have lots o' kids and --- ROMEO. None o' that, Mercutio. Shaddup! MERCUTIO. Yeah, all I talk about are dreams anyway. They ain't even real. They're sorta like the wind. You can feel 'em, but not really see 'em, come daylight. BENVOLIO. Ya know, if you guys woulda shut up sooner, we wouldn'ta missed da food! ROMEO. I think, maybe we're too early for our own good. I bet I lie dead in the guttah befo' tonight is done. Oh well, let's go! BENVOLIO. That drummer better get to work! Did he fall asleep? Hit 'im with the butt o' yer MAC! + SCENE 5 + (SERVINGMEN/GANGMEMBERS enter with napkins and assorted pills and drug paraphernalia.) FIRST SERVANT. Where's the dude that does the dishes? These ain't spotless! I cain't see my reflection! SECOND SERVANT. Dirty plates, oh no! FIRST SERVANT. Open up another room! SECOND SERVANT. There's that fuckin' dishwasher! FISRT SERVANT. Let's get 'im! THIRD SERVANT. Let's get to work, Capulet could pop in at any time and kick alla our asses! (Exeunt.) (Enter CAPULET, LADY CAPULET, with JULIET, the NURSE, TYBALT, and other CRIPS, talking to their GUESTS.) CAPULET. (The conversation dies as he enters it.) Let's dance! (ROMEO, BENVOLIO, and MERCUTIO enter the former crack lab.) Hey, guys! Wassup? (Everybody dances.) When was the last time we wore our maskies? SECOND CRIP. 'S been awhile. CAPULET. Nah, couldn'ta been more'n thirty years! SECOND CRIP. Naw, 's longer. CAPULET. LIAR! (He strikes the man and draws his blade.) DON'T DEFY ME. (ROMEO, looking for ROSALINE, sees JULIET. He jacks a SERVANT up to stop him.) ROMEO. Who dat? SERVANT. I dunno. Leeme 'lone. ROMEO. Gosh, she sho' is pretty! TYBALT (who has been standing near ROMEO). Dat's a Blood, if I ever heared one! I gon' kill his ass! CAPULET (overhearing TYBALT). Whatchoo say, boy? TYBALT. He's a Blood, I say! CAPULET. It's Romeo. TYBALT. Yeah, let me drop him! Punk ass bitch comin' into our crib! CAPULET. Leave 'im 'lone. He ain't a major player in the Bloods 'till his pops dies. TYBALT. I still wanna kill him. CAPULET. I said no! (He backhands the younger man.) TYBALT (meekly). Okay. CAPULET. We'll discuss it later. Everybody havin' fun? TYBALT. I'll take Romeo down latuh! (Exit.) ROMEO (finally reaching JULIET after fighting through the mass of high and drunk people). I wanna kiss you bad. JULIET. Okay. ROMEO. Gimme some sugar, baby. JULIET. Don't touch me. ROMEO. Here I am...king in my own little way. JULIET. What? ROMEO. Hail to the king, baby. [Yes, the above few lines were stolen from _Army of Darkness_. This was done in the original 1994 version, and we left them because we can.] (He bends her down in a powerfully long kiss and sticks his tongue down her throat. He cops a feel.) JULIET. Wow, that was fun. ROMEO. Yeah, wanna do it again? (They kiss until JULIET breaks away by teasing ROMEO.) JULIET. You is one good kissuh. NURSE (who has been looking for JULIET). Yo mutha wants to tawk to you. (JULIET follows the NURSE.) ROMEO. Who's her momma? NURSE. Lady Capulet is her momma. ROMEO. Is she a Crip? How could I love a Crip? BENVOLIO. Let's get da fuck outta here! ROMEO. Yeah, let's go. I gotta think! CAPULET. Jus' where d'you think you're goin'? (MERCUTIO slips some smack to CAPULET, who laughs. ROMEO and BENVOLIO leave.) JULIET. Yo, Nurse. Who is dat guy? NURSE. It's Jim, our resident axe murderer. JULIET. No, stupid, dat udder guy! NURSE. He known as Chad the Destroyer. JULIET. No, him! (She is becoming impatient.) NURSE. I dunno. JULIET. Well, find out, else I cap yo' ass, trick! NURSE. It's Romeo, a Blood. JULIET. No way! How can I love a Blood? NURSE. What's dis? JULIET. A stupid poem from when I was young. (A call off-stage: "Juliet.") NURSE. She be right there! Let's go, the guests is all in tha shitter barfing! (Exeunt.) -= SUMMARY OF ACTS 2-4 =- The Mail-Order Friars marry Romeo and Juliet, in a Mail-Order Wedding(tm). Tybalt and Mercutio die in a sort of drive-by, though you could also call it a gang bang, and Romeo gets blamed. The Man banishes him. Juliet is saddened immensely, and sends to Mail-Order Friar Laurence. He sends her a secret blend of delicious "herbs and spices" (in actuality, a dose of heroin big enough to kill an elephant) that will make her go into a death-like sleep. When she awakens, he tells her that he and Romeo will both be there for her. The Crips are all saddened, and they have a gang-style funeral for her. The guests at the funeral would have been the guests at her wedding with Lieutenant Paris, but her apparent death kind of put a damper on that. Anyway, she and Romeo both end up O.D.ing on crank, accidentally, and they both die painfully. Somewhere amidst all of this, the police chief becomes a prince, the lieutenant becomes a count, the Crips become a family called the Capulets, the Bloods become a family called the Montagues, the AK-47's become swords, and the 9's become daggers. This is all due to the fact that the entire city of Verona goes through a time-warp and ends up in the 1400's... ----------------------------------------------------------- GwDweb: http://www.GREENY.org/ GwD Publications: http://gwd.mit.edu/ ftp://ftp.GREENY.org/gwd/ GwD BBSes: C.H.A.O.S. - http://chaos.GREENY.org/ Snake's Den - http://www.snakeden.org/ E-Mail: gwd@GREENY.org * GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 * -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I think it would be a good idea." - Mahatma Gandhi when asked what he thought of Western civilization -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -+- F Y M -+- GR33NY LIK3S mash3d p0tat03s MORE THAN FIVE YEARS of ABSOLUTE CRAP! /---------------\ copyright (c) 1994/MCMXCIX Spanky McDougal, Sir! and Lobo :FIGHT THE POWER: copyright (c) MCMXCIX GwD Publications/GwD, Inc. : GwD : All rights reserved \---------------/ GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD74