'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #386 !! #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "This History of Capitalism" !! ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Ashtray Heart !! ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/28/98 !! !!========================================================================!! Capitalism is an economic system. Although some people claim it's a moral system. However, Pink Floyd spoke wisely when they said this about them: "Bullshit."* Anyway, Capitalism was founded in 1776 by Adam Weishaupt when his hand turned invisible due to exposure to radiation from the Van Allen Belt. He then had a revelation that the world would be a lot better off if it had more car commercials. Some people think Capitalism is a bad thing. They're all a bunch of commies, and they ought to be taken out back and shot. Without capitalism, we wouldn't have the "Wacky Wall Walker", for which of course the Internet has now been named, which is why so many Internet addresses start with "http://www". The http part I can't tell you because it's a classified CIA state secret that only John Grubor knows the true answers to. Anyway, in Communist Russia they didn't have economic freedom, which is why they had to all eat borscht and if they complained the KGBeast would come by and read John Lennon lyrics to you until Batman came by and beat him up because he thought the Ramones were way cooler. And that's why Russia is no longer communist. Now that Russia is a free nation they get to be controlled by the Mafia just like the rest of us instead of some big ol' nasty intellectual liberals. There's two kinds of capitalism, conservative capitalism and liberal capitalism. Conservative capitalism doesn't like abortion and liberal capitalism doesn't either but doesn't want to outlaw it. Liberal capitalism was founded by John Maynard Keyes, who is Alan Keyes' uncle, despite the fact that "John Maynard Keyes" is just an alias for "Gibby Haynes", who is the guy who founded all the underwear factories. Anyway, he realized that conservatives like Adam Weishaupt didn't want to wear underwear because they thought it was a blasphemy against God and anyway their dicks were just as invisible as their hands, so he founded LIBERALISM so that FDR could get more supreme court justices, but the supreme court said that that was unconstitutional because fifteen is the Number of the Beast minus 651, which of course is the penal code number for frottage, and anyway Roosevelt only played with poo-poo heads. So then the gobment made everybody buy underwear, and if they didn't they bought the underwear themselves and gave it to their girlfriends. So this was all well and good for a while, but then Ronald Grayface Reagan, whose name is an anagram of "Adolf Hitler", as Lou told me last night, got into office, and whenever he got on airplanes the stewardesses were all wearing underwear so it was no fun to look up their dresses, and this made him mad so he fired all the air traffic controllers, and everybody who was making underwear had to start making IZOD shirts or nucular bombs to sell to the military, because by this time the followers of Adam Weishaupt had decided that the government buying stuff was OK as long as it was bombers and cocaine and stuff. At about this time, everybody started getting pissed off at the "New World Order", but it's a big SECRET so nobody seems to know exactly what it is. As far as I can tell, it all started when Hulk Hogan, who is secretly CANADIAN along with Geddy Lee, started thinking that American underwear was no good, and we had to start buying CANADIAN underwear. This made everybody scared because everybody knows there's a giant sucking sound out there somewhere, and everybody thought that underwear that wasn't American would get all stuck in their crotch and give them wedgies. And as if that weren't bad enough, back after World War II President Truman founded the UN to give out halloween candy to kids, which seems innocent enough, but now instead of the U.S. government paying for the nucular weapons, OTHER countries wanted to pay for our weapons, which in and of itself is OK, because we have junk sales every few years where we sell our old weapons to other countries and watch them try to attack us with them, and then laugh as we take our big shiny NEW WEAPONS like the "Frottage Detector" and kick their butt with them. But this is different because the UN wants BLACK HELICOPTERS, and Jesse Helms doesn't like this because he doesn't like anything black; if they're going to get helicopters they have to be RED WHITE AND BLUE. Anyway, the only way to stop this is by STRICT ADHERENCE TO THE BIBLE, especially the lines about fist-fucking.** Endnotes: * -- Pink Floyd, "Money", _Dark Side of the Moon_, 1973. ** -- God, "The Song of Solomon", 5:3-7, _The Bible_, 4412 B.C. !!========================================================================!! !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #386, WRITTEN BY ASHTRAY HEART, 12/28/98 !!