[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #516 `888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8 888 888 888 888 888 "Prosthelyzation" 888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 888 888 888 888 888 " by Phairgirl 888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 3/16/99 o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Another wonderful Sunday at work. I innocently sit in the drive-thru window at Wendy's, happy as a clam, working my ass off, waiting for my shift to end and for the person at the speaker to hurry up and give me their damn order. I gently glide open the window to smile at the lady sitting in her old beat up stationwagon below me and say, "Hi! That's $3.15." I hold out my hand, and she fills it ever so gracefully with her wad of money, and... a bible pamphlet. I strain to keep from making any out-of-the-ordinary facial expressions. I collect the cash, hit the bizarre button configuration on the wall and put the money in my register. Then, and only then, do I turn to my co-workers, out of view of the lady waiting patiently outside for her sandwich and fries, and dance around with the pamphlet, singing "SCORE!!!" repeatedly. I then calmly rest the pamphlet near my register and politely hand the woman her order. When the restaurant calms down, a few people crowd around me to see what pamphlets I've collected this week. Sometimes there's a funny comic, like the one about Satan's minions being heavy metal bands that are turning our children into witches and warlocks. Alas, this week, it's only a super-friendly sickening-sweet find-a-friend-in-Jesus pamphlet. I rather come to enjoy my weekly drive-thru visitor with her silly pamphlets. I'm not sure what she's expecting; as if one of these days, we'll read one of her Jesus Comics and suddenly see the light. If nothing else, I've got quite a decent pile of Chick Publications and other various tools of the prosthelytizing community. They amuse me. I used to be annoyed by such pushy tactics and tacky assumptions that they, somehow, will save everyone on this planet. But, over the years, I've come to appreciate it. I'd much rather have someone bothering me outright about becoming a Christian and saving my soul and loving Jesus and accepting his ways than most of the other prosthelytizing I end up receiving, and much of it is not quite so friendly. I come home and my sister is bitching about my brother eating "disgusting blobs of cow and pig" while I roll my eyes and go online. There, I read about how humans shouldn't consume animals and how horrible the world is for torturing and butchering innocent souls, right down to "scientific and statistical facts" that "prove" humans were never intended to consume meat. I laugh outloud, eating my meatless food. It's those kind of people that make me embarrassed to be a vegetarian. I decide to call one of my friends, who used to hang around with a former crowd of my own, and it sets me to remembering. Tom, a former roommate of mine, would laugh at us and yell at us if we went into stores and actually paid for things; if you couldn't steal it, it wasn't worth having. His entire crowd would ridicule and demean people who decided not to be miscreants and deviants. After all, why be conformists? We need to stick it to The Man! It was always fun being the do-gooding leper of the group. So sorry to be a law abiding citizen, folks. And this would also bring me to rememberances of my other former roommate, Don. Don was alright, except that he was schizophrenic. But besides that, he had a computer, and that made him an okay guy. That is, until, you decided to speak to him whatsoever on the topic of religion. Because, as I'm sure you all know. Wicca is the true path and anyone who believes otherwise will be shunned by the Goddess and some other horrid things that I don't care to remember anymore. His good friend was a christian; or, should I say, his good friend of only two months. But, coming back to reality. The following day, I head off to work. This time, I'm being abounded by my co-worker, Mike. I'm using too many napkins, he says. All those trees are being killed so I can blow my nose and wipe my mouth with a different slice of fiber each time. And why am I using one of the company's styrofoam potato boats when one of the more eco-friendly, recyclable light plastic trays would have sufficed? And why am I using two individually wrapped plastic forks for my salad and for my cottage cheese? I'm the cause of the depletion of the ozone layer and global warning, you know. I spin around with a fire in my eyes and drop my tray to the ground. I pull my submachine gun from my belt and randomly fire everywhere around me. Screams are heard, then quickly hushed by the pounding rhythm of the bullets spewing this way and that. Now silenced, I light my black candle and pledge thee to thy lord Satan, eat an entire sleeve of bloody red raw cow patties, and release all the freon from every refrigeration unit I can find while simultaneously chainsawing all the trees in a forty mile radius and harpooning humpback whales. And all was good. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #516 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 3/16/99 ]