s$ $$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1061 [-- $$""b. $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --] $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ss$$ "Joey The Teenage Menstrual Blood Vampire" $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ by Insert Wu Name Here $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ 04/18/00 [-- $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --] $$ $$ "TssT" "TssT" Joey was staying out late, smoking pot, and talking about _Spawn_ comics. He was hanging out with his friends at an old highway overpass. Joey wore vans sneakers and listened to Israeli Punk bands who wrote songs about cumming in the face of American virgins. "Lets go buy mushrooms and break stuff," Joey told his friends. All Joey's friends thought he was hard-core because of all of his good ideas. "We can get shrooms at Tina's house." Tina was a Goth girl who sold drugs and painted pictures of Trent Reznor with her own blood. When Joey was in grade Eight he wrote Tina a poem that didn't rhyme. It was about how great her ass looked. Tina said the poem was beautiful and gave Joey head. The next night Tina lit candles made out of dead children and saw an oracle who looked quite a bit like Charlie Sheen. The oracle told Tina that her and Joey were never meant to be. After that Joey and Tina only had casual sex together once in awhile, like when a new Radio Head video came out and reminded them how deep life really is, when you really think about it. The trip to Tina's house was uneventful. Joey and his friends threw rocks at cars and some one found a dead badger. They cut it open with a safety pin that was once in some ones nipple. They threw the badger at cars, screaming "Lupha sponge!! Lupha! Lupha!" Then they smoked another joint and went into a 7-11, and because he was an anarchist, Joey took a dump in the corner of the store where the fridge of near beer was. Joey's friends stole a box pixy stix. When Joey and his friends got to Tina's, there was a goth party happening. There were thousands (or at least twenty) hair dyed, leather clad creatures of the night mulling about. They were lighting candles, listening to the Cure and talking about Ann Rice novels. Joey and his crew found Tina sitting in the floor of her kitchen writing a poem about bleeding sex organs with a red magic marker circa 1984. "Hey there," Tina said when she saw Joey. She was stoned. "Hey. We want to buy drugs," he told her. "Not tonight, man," she told Joey. "Tonight the drugs are free." Tina made Tea with magic mushrooms and passed out cups to everybody. Sometimes she had to ask Joey's friends to stop screaming "Hell yeah, we're partying with the vampire bitches!" When they quieted down everybody went to the basement, smoked some hydro and watched _The Crow_ on DVD. While they were in the basement, Tina introduced Joey to Gwendolyn. "Joey, this is my friend Gwendolyn. I want you to meet her." "Hi," Joey said to Gwendolyn. He was stoned. "Hi," Gwendolyn said to Joey. She was stoned. Gwendolyn was a 6-foot-tall sex pot. She wore fish-net stockings, a leather skirt and a halter-top made entirely out of electrical tape that showed both her nipples. Her hair was dyed blood red and her eyes had the look of the cat who had sex with the canary. Joey and Gwendolyn stayed up all night talking. "You have a great ass," he told her. "Tina was right about you," Gwendolyn said. "You're the boy for me. Now, and forever." She dragged him in to Tina's room and locked the door. Gwendolyn threw Joey down and pinned him to the floor. She bared her fangs, ripped off all Joey's clothes, and bit his penis. Gwendolyn's fangs sank deep into Joey's teenage member. He wanted to scream, but soon everything faded in to darkness. Joey awoke the next night, naked on the floor of a crypt. His heart wasn't beating. He was in the arms of Gwendolyn. At first he thought the pot he smoked was from Hawaii or the shrooms he ate were bad or something. Soon he realized it was far more trippy than that. Soon he realized it was real. Gwendolyn held Joey in her arms and looked at him lovingly. "You're a vampire now," she told him, "We'll be together forever." Gwendolyn and Joey fucked liked Kennedys. They fucked till they were tired and sticky. "I love you," Joey said to Gwendolyn. "Let's go buy some pot and drink blood," Gwendolyn replied. It was a good idea, and Joey agreed. Gwendolyn dyed Joey's hair black and gave him clothes to wear. She burned his vans and gave him a pair of shiny combat boots, 'cause combat boots are cool. As they left the crypt, Gwendolyn told Joey all the things that could kill him. "Crossbow arrows can kill you, and wooden stakes can kill you, and sunlight can kill you, but crosses and holy water don't do anything, because religion is just a lie that oil companies told the world years ago." "What about garlic?" "It just tastes bad." They walked through the graveyard smiling. The night sky was serene and haunting, and crackheads whispered as they smoked drugs by the gravestones. Joey thought that he and Gwendolyn would be together forever. He thought they would always be happy. He thought that for the first time in his whole life things were starting to make sense. That's when the priests came and ruined it all. Tina was a narc working for the oil companies. She ratted on Gwendolyn after their first lesbian experience when Gwendolyn showed Tina her fangs. The priests were waiting outside the crypt that night and surrounded Joey and Gwendolyn. "Die you spawns of Satan!!" The priests shouted. "Fuck you!!! You Nazi Fuckers!!!" Gwendolyn screamed. Gwendolyn was tougher than a navy seal, and could kick more ass than Tank Abbot. She attacked the priests with all her fury. She snapped necks, ripped off arms, and kicked crotches. Joey, with his new found vampire strength, helped her kick some Catholic ass. The priests were prepared, though, and they had wooden stakes, kevlar jackets, and cross bows. They shot Gwendolyn with arrows until one pierced her heart, and she burst into flames. Gwendolyn's screams filled the air until her body was engulfed by fire. Soon she was no more. Joey's heart broke as he saw his first true love die before him. He wanted to cry. He wanted to kick some ass! Joey savagely attacked the priests. He shot them with their own crossbows, he stabbed them with their own wooden stakes, he crushed their brains with the one-inch-punch, and snapped their necks with round house kicks. He didn't stop until all the priests were dead. Then Joey fell to the ground and wept over the loss of the only girl he ever really loved. Dawn was approaching, so he ran to the woods and hid in a cave that he and his friends used to smoke drugs in. The next night, Joey was scared and alone and hungry. He was hungry for blood, but not just any blood--he was hungry for menstrual blood. He knew because the voices in his head told him. It all made sense. His vampire senses were more intense than his human ones, it was like bad acid. The scent of flow grabbed on to Joey's skull and refused to let go. He followed it all the way to the house of Mrs. Jenkins, his substitute Math teacher. Joey rang the bell. When Mrs. Jenkins answered the door, Joey knew exactly what to say. "Hi. I'm collecting donations for poor Asian kids in Cambodia who can't afford Pokemon toys." "You kind little soul. Come in... I'll get my wallet." As Joey walk inside, he barred his fangs. Mrs. Jenkins screamed. She started to cry. She was afraid. She thought Joey turned into one of those crazed Marilyn Manson fans they were always talking about on _Hard Copy_. It was all too much for Joey. He didn't want to see another innocent person hurt. He thought of Gwendolyn and it made him think of all the beauty in the world and how it never has a chance to survive because its always being destroyed by Catholics, and little league coaches and republicans. Joey sat on the floor and started to cry. He didn't want to be the cause of misery, no matter what the voices in his head told him. His body ached with hunger pains and his heart ached with sorrow. "I'm sorry I came here," Joey told Mrs Jenkins. I'm going to leave now. I'd rather starve to death than cause hurt and take beauty away from the world. Joey got up to leave. He was going to go outside and wait for the sun to end his life. It was all he could do. "Don't go," Mrs. Jenkins said. "What do you need?" She felt sorry for Joey and was deeply moved by his words and actions. "Menstrual blood. I need to drink menstrual blood or I'll die." "Well then, come here," she said to Joey. "I guess I can help you after all. My husband is with the kids at lacrosse practice, so we have a few hours. Mrs. Jenkins Took off all her clothes. She had gigantic breasts and a tan line that made her look like an expensive hooker in a Czechoslovakian stag movie. She embraced Joey and removed her tampon. Carefully and gently Joey drank the good drink. His fangs nipped at Mrs. Jenkins' tender bits, and they both realized the his fangs released an aphrodisiac. While he drank her menstrual blood, Joey messaged Mrs. Jenkins' peach fish. Vampire tongues are magic tongues and can rub a woman's G-spot more times than Warren Beatty. Soon, Mrs. Jenkins was a sweaty, euphoric river of vaginal fluid. When it was all over, her life had changed. She was enlightened, and happy, and never again suffered cramps or bloating. She put her clothes on and handed Joey a moist towellette. "You have a gift," she told him. "If you just be your self and respect the feelings of other people, you will always find happiness." "Thank you," Joey told Mrs. Jenkins. "Thank you for everything! Well... I better get going." "Okay, take care." She kissed Joey on the cheek. "See you in thirty days!" The night sky was luminous as Joey walk back to the cave in the forest. He felt like a monk in a kung-fu movie. The hurt was still there, but he knew if tried, he could find solace. Somewhere it was waiting for him. [-------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) HOE E'ZINE - http://www.hoe.nu BY INSERT WU NAME HERE - 4/18/00 ]