°°°± °°°± °± °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± [MiLK] °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± File #34 °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± °°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± °°°± °°°± °°°± °± °± °°± Keeping Things in Their Proper ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ °°°°°° °°°°°° °°°°°° °°°°°° °°°°°° °°°°°° °°°°° °°°°°° °° °° °° °°°°°° ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ±± ²²²²²² ²²²²²² ²²²²²² ²²²²²² ²²²²²² ²²²²²² ²² ²² ²² ²² ²² ²²²²²² ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÜÜÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ßÛÛÛÛß ÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ By Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III Nowadays, everyone seems to be grasping for an idol of some sort, some role model, some person or persona to look up to, admire, emulate, and otherwise worship. Wherever this stems from (and psychiatrists assert many different reasons, like bad parenting, insecurity with self-image or self-esteem, etc., but psychiatrists are full of shit, some of them also think it is caused by sucking pacifier tits.), it is undeniably a very important part of human society today. Some people choose sports superstars. Most sports players flunk college but pass on a sports clause, and would probably be flipping patties in McDonald's if it were not for America's passion for watching postadolescent men in skimpy clothing engaging in various strenuous activities. An obvious example is the highly exalted Michael Jordan, erstwhile basketball superstar (now a stupid loser baseball player). Other less tasteful people might choose Shaquille O'Neal or even Charles Barkley as their idol. More grandiose idols would be Olympic stars--Jackey Joiner J-whatever Whatsername, for example, or Greg "Next Time Watch Me Break My Neck" Louganis, or even that psychobitch, Tonya Harding. Some people choose movie stars. Despite the fact that they fight, bitch about insignificant and petty little disturbances, marry and divorce as often as most people take pisses, disclose or make up their innermost secrets to Life magazine, and are purely incapable of talking in complete sentences, movie stars are highly admired. Some people chose such stars as Kevin Kostner (always popular), Tom Cruise (also always popular), Emma Thompson (excellent actress), or Patrick Stewart (the living phallic symbol). Some people choose rock stars. Rock stars are uniformly morons, all of them freaks. Many choose to end their lives with a sniff, some with a bang, and some, in the bathroom by their toilets, mooning the world. Never mind that rock stars dress in fishnet stockings, let their tongues hang down to the floor, play music one wouldn't play for the moose, and yet tell us what they think about how the environment is in mortal danger, and that we should vote for Al Gore and his pansy inner child in the next election. Rock stars, Pearl Jam freaks, this weird hairy guy on Meatloaf, Metallica devotees, etc. etc. are "cool." Some people even consider Michael Jackson cool. Anyway, idolizing people is great up to a point. When one begins hero worship the advantages of having a role model break down. So here I recommend the very easiest ways of cutting someone's image down to size. (1) The "I Am Naked" Idea. The next time you see an idol on stage or on television (even on eMpTy-V), imagine that person butt naked. Even if they are the same sex as you are. If they are the same sex as you are, they will instantly turn disgusting. If they are of a different sex, and are too old/young/ugly, then they will again instantly turn disgusting. If the star does not turn ugly and disgusting in your sight (i.e. they are of the opposite sex and hot or you are gay or desperate), proceed to (2). (2) The "I Am A Moron" Idea. Now imagine the star at school, in a remedial reading course, trying to pick his/her way through a "Dickwad and Jane" reader. Boy, this one makes them seem stupid and laughable. If you are into dumb people anyway, maybe you are one, proceed to (3). (3) The "I Am Constipated" Idea. This one never fails. Remember: EVERY SINGLE STAR, EVERY SINGLE IDOL, EVERY SINGLE ROLE MODEL OR POWERMONGER--ALL OF THEM, AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER IN THEIR LIFE, HAVE TO GRUNT AND GROAN WHILE SITTING ON THE CAN. This is a great way to keep things in proper perspective. Whenever some great politician stands up to make a speech, I instantly picture this old geezer butt naked on the toilet, constipated, grunting and groaning in agony while waves of stink pass through the air. Yeech. Instantly, whatever appeal they might have had disappears. Have a nice day! Û Û [MiLK] Information Û Û Û Û [MiLK] Sites: Û Û Û Û Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400] Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400] Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes] Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û File Number 34 By Yohan Bawk ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 6293 bytes long