%%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% // // //// ////// ////// // \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ // /// // //////// ////// ////// // \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ /// /// // // // // // // [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #09, File #064 ] "Smurfs & Chicks " by Mustaine & Friends ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Smurfs & Chicks [Mustaine & Friends] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A few days ago I was showing my girlfriend some of my old yearbooks dating all the way back to junior high, and I just happened to fall across some really old ode's and poems that my friends and I did when we were amist an 8th grade literature class. (Of course, all of the ones *I* am going to show you fans will be the ones we either did outside of class, or the ones we got in *real* big trouble for :) I also added one to my new girlfriend, Meg Quinlan, and you will find that towards the bottom. These first few are from a friend of mine who is currently enrolled in acting school somewhere. Hope your having fun Eric. * Ode to a Twinkee * (Eric Verfuerth 03/23/90) Oh twinkee mystic munchable by what means arcane or chemical A question that bothers me quite a little how did they get that white goop in your middle is it done with spoons or squished in by overweight baboons is it done with white goop spray or are you simply made that way is it done with radiation or a magic incantation is it done with osmosis or by a guy named Jeblosis so tell me twinkee if you care how does that white goop get in there? * Ode to a Smurf * (Eric Verfuerth 03/23/90) One day as I walked across the land as I glanced down at earth and sand and lookin down at that green turf I swear to you I saw a smurf his skin was blue his pants were white I backed away for fear he may bite I felt it safe so down I did sit and wondered what to do with it perhaps I'd take it to a side show or maybe I'd just let it go but if tis true what I've been told a man could turn a smurf to gold and as in thought I did lay I heard the little creature say "Come down to the ground so you will hear my voices sound" and as I crouched down near that bugger bit me on the ear then off he hopped and didn't stop till out of sight he dropped and so let me warn you in my words of wit if you see that smurf please step on it * Ode to Math * (Eric Verfuerth 03/23/90) Of all the evil things to cross my path the one I hate the most is math for math it is an awful class one I fear I may not pass with all it's bothersome equations each adding to my frustrations it fills my eyes with sobbing tears as I have to take it for three more years and that class is so very dull it often bores me out my skull so hear me now as I shout can someone please get me out of that terrible math class the one I fear I may not pass * Ode to English Teachers * (Eric Verfuerth 03/23/90) In my time I have seen many vile creatures but the worst are the deadly english teachers they live in classrooms that look like caves and treat poor students as slaves and in the deungeon they have tortures of every sort including the dreaded book report and though you may plead to get out they are ignorant of your shout and all at which they want to look are sentences in your vocab book and above the students wail you hear them screaming "you fail" and as I sit here I have a feeling when my teacher reads this she'll hit the ceiling * Ode to Slasher Films * (Eric Verfuerth 03/20/90) One day as I sat in a bore I felt the need to see some gore so off to erols I went for money would soon be spent on blood and guts and psychotic nuts and to get all this for two fifty well that would be real nifty so I went to the horror section and started to make my selection nightmare on elm street part ten Freddy is back to kill again friday the 13th part nine / Jason goes to Mars Siscal and Ebert gave it two stars so I got the one that scared me out of my mind when they showed the monster tear and grind all the kids at some high school ------------------------------------------------------------------------- That's some pretty cool stuff eh? Well, sit back and relax, because I have some friends that wrote some *other* k-spiff stuff. Check out some 'love/hate' letter by my two old pals John Carlson and Micheal Wagner. As you will guess, they were in love with this two girls...funny how 8th graders showed affection.. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- * Missy Wade * (anonymous ??/??/90) She has long string hair, Tangled with knots. Shoes riddled with tears, And dirt, there is lots. Her face is quite homely. Her eyes, ugly pools. Her smile is tombly. And her acme rules. Her voice is the same, So whiney it is. It drives me insane. She is such a dizz! Her legs are but twigs. Her hands skinny claws. Her body's a pig's. She breaks all starvation laws. She thinks she can write, Boy is she dumb! Each story's a plight, Each story is scum. This is the true tale, Of Missy Wade. She doesn't like males, Because she is gay. * Deanna Casper * (John Carlson, Micheal Wagner ??/??/90) There once was this hag, Whose name was Deanna. She looked like a fag, Her hair tone, bannana. She had many freckles, Like warts on her face. Her voice was a keckle. She smelled like mace. Her ears protruded, Way out from her head. Her gross eyes secluded, The color of lead. Her humongeous nose, Pointed straight out. Her teeth fungused rose, Cockroaches about. Her legs were like tree trunks, So thick and massive. Her breath like a skunks, And smelled of laxative. When you think of Deanna, Mind full of piss, Hair tone, bannana, Just think of this: She had many freckles, Like warts on her face. Her voice was a keckle. She smelled like mace. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok, here's the one dedicated to my girlfriend. I wrote it two days *after* I originally *met* her. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ode To The First Few Days.. i finally got the chance i definitly will try to make it last for you, i am the first you fill me with happiness, i will burst i took you home to the house true to your nature, you were quiet as a mouse because of guests you got stuck in my bed (hope my old head lice don't migrate to your head) we then woke up and tried to make breakfast bisquick? pancakes? do a toaster waffle fast i engrained in your head my love for honey later i tasted some of your fingers, oh lovely... we then drove (with my plate) to sk00l you'd be proud, Michelle, i didn't drool i went (rather late) to homeshow teardown you went to practice, oh look, no frown! from there that next night, i read the first note you were lost, confused, in a mind's mote i assured you not to worry (blah, blah, this line rhymes with curry) i am now deeply in love, your a stubborn girl, push, and shove but with this match, don't worry instead- look to a bright future we will hold ahead. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Um, here are some others that just needed a place to go. Enjoy, I wrote them myself :) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- (a very short) Ode to a Sneaker oh sneaker, you are cool i wear you all the time, rain to drool you take me where I want to go you keep my feet warm in the snow i let you get dirty and walk around i look at you from white, your now brown i go to the store, and buy a new pair i throw you away, i no longer care. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Ode to a Keyboard Oh keyboard, lovely piece of metal and plastic how I love to pound you so spastic when I click your keys I shiver in my knees i press what I want and on the screen you do jot all my thoughts, my words those porn stories, those turds *(I needed something to ryhme)* you write filth for the zine and my hate mail doth shine I spill on you coffee still you try to please me but I have broken you good I haven't treated you like I should so i go to the store and buy from them some more keyboards... ============================================================================== Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510 ==============================================================================