------------------------------------------------------------------------ ***** ***** ***** *** *** ** *** *** *** ** *** *** *** ******* *** ** *** *** *** ******* *** ***** *** *** *** *** ***** ***** ****** ** ****** ****** ****** **** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** **** *** ***** *** ****** *** **** *** *** *** ** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***** *** ****** ****** *** *** *** *** *** ** *** **** **** ****** *** **** *** **** Electronic Humor Magazine. Volume 8, Number 3 December 1990 Well here it is, a bit rushed, a bit late and a little thinner than some of the nutworks issues of the past. I would like to thank all those who sent postings to the list during the year and those who sent me submissions for this NutWorks issue. In particular I would like to thank Benny Lebovits and Murph Sewall for his many Henry Cate III posts (Murph, please send our best wishes to Henry). Finally .... Merry Christmas and a Nutty new year to ye all ... Joe Desbonnet. December 1990 December Friends & lovers [M]agazine ------------------------------------- 12 Days of Christmas by Silverado122 (Submitted by EGS317@ALBNYVMS) ***************************************************************************** 12/14/89 Dearest John, You angel! What an unusual and lovely gift. I have discarded that old floor lamp I had and put the pear tree in that corner. And the partridge just loves it. All my love, Agnes ***************************************************************************** 12/15/89 Dearest John, I thank you and so does the partridge. Two turtle doves--how delightful! They are so adorable and they make wonderful company for the partridge. All my love, Agnes ***************************************************************************** 12/16/89 Dear John, Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity--three French hens, of all things. Really John, they are just darling, but I must insist...you have been too kind. Love, Agnes ***************************************************************************** 12/17/89 Dear John, Don't you think enough is enough? They are beautiful, but what am I to do with four calling birds? Affectionately, Agnes ***************************************************************************** 12/18/89 Dear John, You are so impossible, but I love it. Today the postman brought your lovely surprise--five golden rings, one for every finger. I feel so much better now about those birds; their squawking was beginning to get on my nerves, until the rings arrived. All my love, Agnes ***************************************************************************** 12/19/89 Dear John, What the hell?! I opened my door this morning and found six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you are back to the birds again. Listen John, these damn geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? Besides, the neighbors are beginning to complain, and who is going to be able to sleep through all this racket? Please stop. Cordially, Agnes ***************************************************************************** 12/20/89 John: What's with you and those fucking birds? Is this some kind of a goddamn joke? Seven swans a-swimming.....my ass! There's birdshit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night, and I'm turning into a nervous wreck. This isn't funny, John. So stop with those fucking birds, OK? Sincerely, Agnes ***************************************************************************** 12/21/89 OK Buster, So you quit sending birds. Now what in hell do you expect me to do with 8 maids a-milking? They also brought their goddamn cows with them, naturally, how else could they be a-milking? So now there's cowshit as well as birdshit all over the place and I can't move in my own house. Lay off, will you? Agnes ***************************************************************************** 12/22/89 Shithead: What are you, some kind of a sadist? Now there's 9 pipers piping. And Christ, do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. There's 9 of them and 8 of the maids, and I'm getting tired of running! Besides, the cows are getting all upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What the hell am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Agnes ***************************************************************************** 12/23/89 You rotten prick: Now there are 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why anybody would call those sluts "ladies". They've been balling those pipers all night long, which is a break for me and the eight former maids. Now the cows have diarrhea and my living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned. You bastard. I'm going to sick the police on you! One who means it! ***************************************************************************** 12/24/89 Listen, Dickhead! What with 11 lords a-leaping on those ex-maids and ladies--after the pipers got through with them--some of those broads will never walk again. Now the lords and pipers are going to work on the cows! One cow, in her mad dash to avoid rape, impaled herself on the pear tree, causing the partridge to die of fright. In addition to which, all the other fucking birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten mother. Your sworn enemy ***************************************************************************** Peters, Peters, Peters & More Attorneys at Law 1104 Main Ave. Youngstown, Ohio December 25, 1989 Dear Sir: This is to inform you that you have been enjoined from having contact with our client, Miss Agnes Baird, directly or indirectly, from this day forward. This means that if you attempt to see Miss Baird at the Happy Valley Sanitarium, the attendants there have orders to shoot you on sight. Your latest gift to Miss Baird, 12 fiddlers fiddling, were last seen fiddling their way through 30 tons of cowshit and birdshit, and in and around a bunch of pretty beat maids, ladies, pipers and lords. The destruction, of course, was total. A warrant for your arrest will follow. Merry Christmas. Cordially, C.R. Aubrey Peters CRAP:tr ********************************* E N D ************************************* ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Traditional, seasonal poem revisited. Submitted by FAJR9224@WOOSTER better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus town cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist santa claus town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | grep bad || good for (goodness sake) { be good } (by Frank Carey, AT&T Bell Laboratories, 1985) And heres a DCL port of the above ... $ better /nopout /nocry $ better /watchout $ print why $ santa_claus /input=north pole /output=town $ mcr authorize list exit $ analyze/rms_file/check sysuaf.lis $ analyze/rms_file/check sysuaf.lis $ search sysuaf.lis naughty /output=nogift.lis $ search sysuaf.lis nice /outuput=gift.lis $ santa_claus /input=north pole /output=town $ show user /interactive/output=users.lis $ search users.lis sleeping $ search users.lis awake $ search users.lis bad $ search users.lis good $ loop: $ be good $ if goodness_sake then $ goto loop (DCL port by James R. Dishaw) Happy holidays. James R. Dishaw JDISHAW@POMONA.CLAREMONT.EDU ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The first law of draughting states that you can connect any three points by a straight line - if you make thick enough. -- BLIBERG@TAUNIVM "uri" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- NOCHE BUENO Submitted by CS110255@YUSol (GREG GORING) `Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the casa Not a creature was stirring. Caramba! Que pasa? Los ninos were all tucked away in their camas, Some in long calzones, some in pajamas. While Mama worked late in her little cocina, El viejo was down at the corner cantina Living it up with amigos. Carracho! Muy contento and poco borracho! While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado To bring all the ninos, both buenos and malos, A nice bunch of dulces and other regalos. Outside in the yard there arose such a grito That I jumped to my feet like a frightened cabrito. I ran to the window and looked out afuera, And who in the world do you think that it era? Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero Came dashing along like a crazy bombero. And pulling his sleigh, instead of venados, Were eight little burros, approaching volados. I watched as they came, and this quaint little hombre Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre "Ay, Pancho! Ay, Pepe! Ay, Cuca! Ay, Beto! Ay, Chato! Ay, Chopo! Maruca y Nieto!" Then, standing erect with his hand on his pecho, He flew to the top of our very own techo. With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea He struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea. Then, huffing and puffing, at last to our sala With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala, He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos For none of los ninos had been very malos. Then chuckling aloud, seeming muy contento, He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento. And I heard him exclaim -- and this is verdad -- "Merry Christmas to all! Feliz Navidad!" Original author unknown. End of NutWorks Volume 8 Number 3 *********************************