R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH! Volume 0 Number F December 1993 A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world. Editor: Dave Bealer Member of the Digital Publishing Association Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved Random Access Humor is an irregular production of: VaporWare Communications 32768 Infinite Loop Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2 USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director, Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari. TABLE OF INCONTINENCE: About Vaporware Communications.....................................01 Editorial - The Flashing Red and Green Light Special...............01 Lettuce to the Editor..............................................01 Hand-Me-Down PCs...................................................03 PC Programming.....................................................05 Predictions for 1994...............................................07 New Game from UnfoCus:.............................................08 The Truth About Data Compression...................................09 Holiday Gift Giving Ideas..........................................11 The Twelve Bugs of Christmas.......................................12 UNIXmas............................................................14 End of Term Blues..................................................14 The Comp Sci Song..................................................15 Press Release: DPA Announces '93 Digital Quill Award Winners.......16 Top Ten Ways To Tell You're Having a Really Rough Day In BBS Land..17 RAH Humor Review: America Online's Comedy Club.....................18 Announcements......................................................19 Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................20 Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1 RAH Distribution System...........................................A-2 Random Access Humor Page 1 December 1993 About Vaporware Communications VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR VaporWare Corporate Officers: Luther Lecks President, Chief Egomaniac Officer Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A., Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al. V.P., Research & Development --------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial - The Flashing Red and Green Light Special by Dave Bealer Here we go, heading for the biggest marketing opportunity of the year; a real orgy of consumerism. It makes me proud to be an American. RAH has even jumped on the holiday bandwagon and included some unique gift giving ideas for that hard-to-shop-for friend or family member. - - - This will be the last RAH issue using the current format. Both the ASCII Text and Readroom editions will be different next month. For one thing, the new RAH logo will make its debut. In order to blend it into the ASCII Text edition, the "cover" will have to be re- designed. The Readroom edition will begin to make use of some new, advanced features of the READROOM.TOC architecture. - - - RAH now has a private support site on the Internet. For complete details, see the Announcement section. - - - RAH finished in a tie for third in the "electronic serial" category of the 1993 Digital Quill Awards. This is a great honor, considering the quality of the other magazines named in the top four. See the included press release for details. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Lettuce to the Editor The following was not, strictly speaking, a letter to the editor. It is my response to a comment from a new user on my BBS who is a "sophmore" at a local college and had just filled out the new user survey. (The name of the user has been changed to save him from some well deserved ridicule - his father might be a lawyer.) Random Access Humor Page 2 December 1993 On 11-08-93 Joe User wrote to Dave Bealer... JU> Thanks for replying to my SECOND message. All you had to JU> say was that I can only up/download in public areas. By I did tell you that. As far as instantaneous responses, don't expect them here. This BBS is only one of my many responsibilities. If you require immediate service, you would be better off seeking a board run by a full time sysop on a PAYING basis. This board is free and, as usual, you get what you pay for. :-) JU> the way, I am the most intelligent, prolific reader on your JU> board, I'm sure. I can read rings around anyone and JU> everyone. The problem was that the information I needed JU> was not where I expected it to be - where it is on most JU> boards. Sorry about the confusion. Since you're so well read, you'll already know that the term sophomore stems from the Greek words meaning "sophisticated moron." Folks who need to tell everyone how intelligent and well read they are are rarely either. The information you sought was in Bulletin Menu option #1, which is displayed for your rapidly reading eyes each and every time you log on this BBS. I fail to see where else the information should be. In any event this story does have a happy ending. You did manage to read the directions and fill out the validated user survey. Welcome aboard as a validated user of The Puffin's Nest! I'll put out some rings for you to read around. Dave - - - - - - - - - - - - Riku Saikkonen of Espoo, Finland asks: "Did you have 2.6 million distribution sites in September as you predicted?" The answer is: "No, but we probably would have made it if we had Bill Clinton's staff doing our statistics." - - - - - - - - - - - - We want to hear from our readers! Get the same kind of respectful answers to YOUR questions. Send you letters to: Internet> lettuce@rah.clark.net FidoNet> lettuce at 1:261/1129 You can also ask your questions in one (or both) of our two new RAH reader conferences. Internet users can subscribe to our rahuser mailing list (see the announcement section for instructions), and FidoNet users can ask their sysops to pick up the new RAHUSER echo from the RAH Publication BBS (1:261/1129). --------------------------------------------------------------------- Sound Byte: Q. How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct? A. On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree. Random Access Humor Page 3 December 1993 Hand-Me-Down PCs by Dave Bealer The weather outside is frightful, and it looks like a good day to try out that new PC. Well...not exactly new. Your cousin Ernie, who normally wouldn't walk across the street to save your life, suddenly came over all generous and gave you an old personal computer he didn't need anymore. Even though this is the first PC you've ever owned, it will be a piece of cake to install. After all, you've been using qBASE and WordBlemish at the office for years. How difficult can this be? So...take the new toy out of the rather battered cardboard boxes in which it was delivered by good old Ernie. What's this? It has a *monochrome* monitor? Yuck! Well, that just might keep the kids from playing that disgusting "Chopping Off Body Parts" game by DahmerSoft that they saw down at Rotten Egg Software. Besides, you've seen some spectacular monochrome VGA graphics. The keyboard is next...hey, what's this? Where are the function keys? They're not at the top of the keyboard where they belong. Oh...some idiot put them on the left side of the keyboard. Hmm. Why would they do that? Alright, next is the system unit itself. My, it sure does look kind of thin. Maybe it's just your imagination. OK, plug the keyboard and the monitor in the back. It takes a few tries to figure out which of those strange shaped receptacles on the back of the system case fits the monitor cable. Only a few of the pins were broken off in the process - it should still work. You've seen electrical diagrams of some of these cables, most of the wires in them are just used for grounding and other useless stuff anyway. All set up now - time to turn it on. Sure enough, things start humming, clicking, squeaking and beeping inside the system case. Nothing on the monitor yet...oh, that's right; you have to turn that on too. Sheesh, you even have to find a place to plug it in. Eventually the little green light on the front of the monitor begins to emit photons. Seconds later, a few of the pixels on the screen begin to glow amber. They form the characters: Turbo - XT BIOS 1986 Speed 4.77/8 MHz Version 1.84 Bad or missing ANSI.SYS Error in CONFIG.SYS line 3 Current date is Tue 01-01-1980 Enter new date (mm-dd-yy): _ Random Access Humor Page 4 December 1993 That's odd. Today isn't January 1, 1980. How could this stupid machine think it was 1980? It wasn't even built until 1986. Besides, the system at work always has the right date when you turn it on in the morning. One hour (and two aspirins) later you realize you can't figure this stuff out yourself. You're going to have to call Burt, the computer wizard from work. This will require chugging a couple of liters of pride, since Burt is one of the most insufferable people you've ever met. He's ever so smug about his absolute knowledge of computers, and the worst thing is he's usually right. Convincing Burt to come over in this weather proves simple after you remind him that you helped him move last spring. Why anyone would save (and move!) boxes of empty peanut butter jars is beyond you. Even worse was moving that full sized video arcade game...that doesn't work! An hour or so later Burt shows up in his new 4 by 4 utility vehicle, which he claims he needs because he's so indispensable at work. It's absolutely disgusting. Taking off his coat, Burt gets right down to business and whips out a box of diskettes of varying sizes and (he claims) densities. They look to you like they all weigh about the same. Burt types in the correct date and time, then uses something called the Cramden Utilities to check the status of all the system components. He tells you that according to SYSNOOP you only have an MDA display on this system, not VGA or Hercules graphics. You don't care if it has Socrates graphics, as long as it runs the software you stole from work. Burt turns off and unplugs the system, then opens the system case and pokes around inside. The bad news is that the battery for the system clock is dead. He shows you where the battery is and how to replace it, which knowledge will come in handy after you journey down to the local Computer Shed store to pick up a new one. A half hour later Burt is on the way out the door. He got rid of that "Bad or missing ANSI.SYS" message by installing the proper file. He tells you it won't do much good, since you can't display anything other that plain text or the "extended IBM characters," whatever they are. You also have some tough decisions to make. You can resign yourself to running ancient, hard to find text based applications, or you can make a serious investment in new display hardware. Both a new monitor and display card will be required. As Burt departs, he recommends you put this machine to its best use, as a boat anchor. He claims you'd be better off buying a fast 386 machine, which can be had for a song now that the Pentiums are out. A minute later you're standing out in the snow watching Burt drive off. As you stand there in the incredible silence that occurs only during snow storms, you can almost pick out a sound from the whisper of the falling snow. There it is again...echoing in the distance can be heard the hideous laughter of cousin Ernie. {RAH} -------------- Random Access Humor Page 5 December 1993 Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129 Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net --------------------------------------------------------------------- PC Programming by Greg Borek You sent for me, sir? Yes, Bungle, yes. Come in, take a seat. As you know, it is difficult to compete in the current software marketplace. We have to run a lean and efficient company just to be competitive. This is often complicated by burdens placed on the company from outside. I don't quite follow you, sir. I won't beat about the bush, Bungle. I've spent all morning meeting with our legal people and they say in order to reduce the risks of future lawsuits the company needs to conform more closely with President Rodham's "Politically Correct Guide to Removing Creativity and Productivity from the Workplace". They suggested that we establish some behavioral guidelines and counsel some of our employees about their behavior. How does this involve me? Frankly, Bungle, they are concerned about the behavior of the programmers on your team. I don't understand. I've made sure all the members of my team have been to every required sexual harassment seminar. I've made sure my programmers do not tell naughty jokes, comment on any female employee's clothing, ask female employees on for phone numbers or dates, or hold doors for them. Policy is still not settled on the carrying of heavy objects since Anderson got written up for not carrying those 3 VAX 750s for Ms. Hardacre... I think we left it that if the object weighs 30 times your own weight or less you are supposed to carry it, but only in a subservient manner. No, Bungle, no, you don't understand. This isn't about that nonsense at all. They merely suggested that you and your programmers, well, uh, act more like programmers. What do you mean, sir? Well, according to the guidance provided by the lawyers, programmers are supposed to behave in certain predictable ways, thus relieving some of the stress on the other employees by enabling them to predict the programmers' behavior. They want us to conform to a stereotype? Random Access Humor Page 6 December 1993 Oh, yes, yes. I'm not very clear on why, but the lawyers seem to be behind this concept in a big way. Maybe because of the uniformity of the esteem afforded lawyers they want to foster these stereotypes. Anyway, here are a few items that the legal people suggested I pass along. Remember, these items take on an almost religious significance to most programmers so make sure you and your people memorize every detail, no matter how apparently insignificant. To begin, here are all 45 episodes of Monty Python's Flying Circus. Memorize the sketches in every program and be prepared to recite random bits of dialog in a loud, high voice at inappropriate times. Monty Python tapes. Got it. OK, what else? Here are some tapes of the original Star Trek series. Memorize the dialog for these too, as well as many irrelevant details and scientific contradictions as possible. You don't need to know the names of the security people that inevitably get killed on "away teams," although one of them is always named Ensign Liebowitz. Don't pay too much attention to the recurring themes of freedom and independence; these recently outmoded concepts can be passed off as '60s naivete. Original Star Trek. Check. There are some assorted books here, too. J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy and "The Hobbit" are required reading. Also, memorization of Douglas Adams "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" is imperative. As a general rule, you can't go wrong with including any science fiction. As for games, you should play a lot of Dungeons & Dragons. The rules are hideously complex and there are many, many tables of items, spells, monsters, and abilities. Spend endless hours thinking of how to resolve contradictions in the rules like whether an invisible person casts a shadow. And play chess, too. Mind you, you don't have to play very well, just talk a good game. Make wild unsupportable claims about your ability. What about diet, sir? Good point, Bungle, good point. Restrict the programmers to high sugar, high caffeine beverages like sweetened coffee or soda. Try and restrict their food intake to pizza, but this isn't strictly necessary as any food that can be delivered by a delivery person of foreign birth is sufficient. That reminds me: except for the possibility of throwing frisbees, programmers are not supposed to exercise. Programmers are supposed to be recognizable by body shape. The guidelines for this are a bit spotty but a good rule of thumb is the widest part of the programmer should be somewhere around the middle. Furthermore, a nice deathly pallor is always taken for a sign of intelligence or death, so keep the programmers out of the sunlight. As a matter of fact, get them to change their sleeping habits so they more closely resemble a vampire's. Random Access Humor Page 7 December 1993 My goodness, I had no idea we were supposed to be filling our brains with all of this information. Obviously, sir, we won't have enough time to memorize all of this and still maintain the same level of code production. I know, Bungle, I know, but remember that in the '90s it's more important to be politically correct than productive. {RAH} -------------- Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA. He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net --------------------------------------------------------------------- Predictions for 1994 by The Great Koznac Here we are again, rapidly approaching the end of another year just as one famous coyote rushes headlong toward another cliff edge. This year proved to be another astounding year on all accounts, from politics to computers, entertainment to ecology. After reflecting on the events of 1993, I make the following predictions for 1994: o In order to position themselves against the PowerPC, Intel will skip production of their next two generations of chips - the Quantum and the Millennium - to begin development and production on the Ultimatum. This chip is said to be so powerful that it generates its own commands and decides which ones to process when it feels like it. o After having difficulties with "Chicago", Microsoft will move to "New York", "Atlanta", and finally "Albuquerque" which will turn out to be the right turn for the project. o Next year, three new politically-oriented viruses will make their appearance. The first, Clinton, will use up all available cache. The next virus will be Limbaugh which will set the system date to the end of the Clinton Administration. Finally there is Perot, which will cause the computer's speaker to make a large sucking sound. o The latest mergers between telephone and cable companies will continue into next year, setting foundation for the information highway. The end result will increase the number of channels with useless, boring programming by a factor of ten. o The government will rule that Microsoft has broken federal anti-trust laws and should be broken up. In answer to this, Gates will clone himself so that he may still own and operate the resulting smaller companies. o Vice-President Al Gore will trace back his lineage and find that he is a descendent of the giant redwood trees. Random Access Humor Page 8 December 1993 o A scandal will rock Washington D.C. late in 1994 when space aliens land on the White House lawn. When the aliens ask security to be taken to their leader, they will escort the aliens to Hillary Clinton. o System programmers and analysts will continue to scramble to modify code to accommodate the complexities of the year 2000 and beyond. As of January 1, there will only be -94 years to resolve the problems resulting from abbreviating the years in the next century. o A certain electronic publication which originates from the Chesapeake Bay area will experience continued success and growth, spreading humor wherever it is distributed and read. {RAH} -------------- Ray Koziel is a systems programmer/analyst for a consulting firm in Atlanta. Since Ray has started contributing to RAH, his wife has become more at ease now that he has a new target for his weird sense of humor. --------------------------------------------------------------------- New Game from UnfoCus: By John J. Downey - BONED: A new role-playing adventure from the people who brought you DORK, WITLESS, INFIDELITY, and THE BURPING HORROR. - Where YOU, a mild-mannered computer nerd, surmount impossible odds to set up your BBS to accept FidoNet. An excerpt from the game: ------------------------------------ >CONFIGURE TOSSER/SCANNER AND PROCESS MAIL The tosser portion performs flawlessly, while the scanner grabs all outgoing messages in a two-mile radius and reduces it to undecipherable goop. Obviously you set something wrong. >READ DOCUMENTATION You don't have the documentation. >PRINT OUT DOCUMENTATION You print out the 400+ pages of documentation, painfully aware of how many trees gave their all so you could have electronic mail. >READ DOCUMENTATION Okay. "Define Area Management Groups according to your mailer, which should be enabled for C3PO emulation. If your mailer conforms to the SLAMDOORINFACE configuration, set optional run-time parameters to '-LK4' and set each EchoArea to match Input Screening Table V. Set Pulverize Default to Yes." Random Access Humor Page 9 December 1993 >SCREAM You begin to get a sore throat. >CALL FRIENDLY, HELPFUL SYSOP After asking so many questions, there are no more friendly sysops. >FIND PHRASE "OUTGOING" IN DOCUMENTATION There is no such reference here. Should there be? >SCREAM AGAIN Arrrrgggghhhh! You are growing thirsty. The phone is ringing. >ANSWER PHONE It is your EchoMail Hub, obviously upset about that accidental packet you sent yesterday, which consisted of 1,233,975 messages that read, "This is a test." >BEG FOR MERCY He will have none of it. He projects himself through the phone line and uses his mighty thumb to crush you like an insect. *** YOU HAVE BEEN REMOVED FROM THE NET *** Your score is -34245, which qualifies you as a Rad D00d in Search of Warez. (R)estart, Re(S)tore, or (Q)uit? -------------------------------------- Available now for $75.00 a month! (Includes phone line, electrical, and EchoMail charges) ================================================ John is a 30 year old Planetarian (Trans: "He Who Bores In Round Dark Room") and the Sysop of The Dome Ideas BBS. (FidoNet 1:272/104.) He occupies his off-hours by planting light bulbs. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Truth About Data Compression by Pablo Biannuci Most of the people using personal computers have been amazed by the prodigy of data compression. It's very difficult to imagine how that long, long file filled with nonsense numbers could get squeezed into a small, small file filled with nonsense numbers. In this article I'm going to explain all the secrets about the compression of computer data, even those that the software companies do not want to see published. There are several data compression algorithms. An explanation of each follows, along with a brief summary of its applications. Random Access Humor Page 10 December 1993 Non-Repeat Packing ---------- ------- This is the simplest (and worst) compression method. It is based on the fact that if you write one 'A' instead of twenty, you'll save a lot of space. Actually, its savings aren't too impressive, but it is known to have saved a life when a message saying "I'll kick yer butt" was compressed to "I'l kick yer, but" (There is a committee investigating the sudden appearance of the comma, but they don't agree that a comma is there yet.) Huffman Tree ------- ---- This is one of the first algorithms that yielded a relatively acceptable compression ratio. (relatively means E=mc^2, where E is the compressed file size, m is the original file size and c is the speed of light). It is quite simple; all you have to do is to count the appearances of each character (A, B, C, D, and so on) and then build a binary tree with them so that the characters will be its leaves. Once the tree is built, just get a sharp axe and cut it down. Chop it in small fragments, and pile them neatly. It will occupy just a fraction of the space it occupied before, so it will be compressed. Currently the Huffman algorithm is not so frequently used because there must be some kind of identification in each piece of tree, and that takes so much space that it's almost bigger than the tree. MNP modems use a modified version of this method, but instead of chopping the tree with an axe they chop it with a MicroCom Chop-O-Matic machine, which is much faster. LZW --- LZW is a more modern algorithm. It is widely used, sometimes together with Huffman. Its name (kinda cryptic, isn't it?) derives from its authors initials: Lempel, Ziv and Welch. The idea behind this method is revolutionary: To reference part of the contents to things before it. (It is revolutionary in data compression, it has been widely used in most other life aspects.) To be more clear to those of you not accustomed to technical jargon, what this algorithm does is to insert footnotes instead of the actual data. Let's see an example. The original text is : "As I was looking at my reflection in the mirror, I was playing reflections with my look, and I broke the mirror." (Just a selected text sample. It's not a reflection of the author's mental state. In fact, mine is a bit worse.) The compressed text would be: "As *1* *3* my *2* in the *4*, *1* playing *2* with my *3* and *1* broke the *4*." Footnotes: "1:I (was) / 2:reflection(s) / 3:look(ing) / 4:mirror. As everybody can see, it is tightly compressed, and now it fits into a pocket book's page. Random Access Humor Page 11 December 1993 Shannon-Fano Trees ------------ ----- This is another vegetal algorithm. The difference is that this method uses the so-called "Sliding Dictionaries," which make it better. To compress data this way, you have to take it, dig some holes in fertile ground and scatter parts of it (the data) in the holes. After some nice trees have grown up (the Shannon-Fano trees, and they grow quite fast), you tie some ropes to their branches and place a dictionary so that it is able to slide up and down the rope. (Be sure the rope is strong enough, or don't use an unabridged Webster's dictionary.) I cannot figure out why this compresses the data yet, but it works, so I'll leave it alone for now. There are more compression methods out in the computer world, but I didn't have access to the confidential information about them. (Lunch time in the software company that uses it is an example.) Also, some methods aren't single algorithms, but a mixture of two or more of them. For example, the world-wide known Imploding is a LZW algorithm with a Shannon-Fano Tree performed after, which leads to a data collapse and posterior implosion, but I won't be going in much farther detail. So here ends our lesson about data compression. I *1* this *6* *7* *2* useful *8* you *2* it *6* *7* *8* me, *2* a way *5* spend my time at *3* *4* hospital. Hey! Who *6* turned on *3* LZW? 1:hope / 2:as / 3:the / 4:psychiatric / 5:to / 6:has / 7:been / 8:for -------------- Pablo Biannuci is the sysop of Atomic World BBS in Avellaneda, Buenos Aires, Argentina. FidoNet> 4:901/225 --------------------------------------------------------------------- Holiday Gift Giving Ideas by Muffy Mandel The holiday gift buying and giving season is upon us again. If you're reading this you have no taste whatsoever, so here are a few turkeys that should appeal to you. Blowing People's Heads Off in Slow Motion (Mindless Violence Associates) Another hit title for personal computers by the new leader in educational software. Stunning graphics (or stunningly graphic, depending on which side of age 13 you are). Dave Bealer - Unhinged, Seated, Holding a Live Grenade (Permanent Insanity Records, Tapes & CDs) The allegedly funny ravings of one of the few humans with less mental stability than Charles Manson. Kevlar Pajamas (Bobbitt Protective Systems) Bottoms include a steel reinforced cup to protect against knives and scissors. The perfect gift for the violent, abusive husband. Random Access Humor Page 12 December 1993 Micro-Books (various publishers) In keeping with the average American's shortened attention span, publishers have been issuing shorter books. A few of the more popular titles follow: . "Successful Applications of Artificial Intelligence" by HAL9000 . "Great GUI Solitaire Games for Under $100" by Bill Gates . "Honest Politicians Through The Ages" by Richard Nixon . "How to Improve Your Memory" by Ronald Reagan . "Elections I Have Won" by H. R. Clinton . "Great Blonde Thinkers" by Madonna . "Winning Debate Tactics" by Ross Perot . "A Tree Grows in Washington" by Al Gore . "A Guide to User Friendly Software" by The RTFM Group These make great stocking stuffers. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Twelve Bugs of Christmas .... For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me See if they can do it again. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. Random Access Humor Page 13 December 1993 For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Say it's not supported Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. Random Access Humor Page 14 December 1993 For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Tell them it's a feature Say it's not supported Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. --------------------------------------------------------------------- UNIXmas better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus town cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list I grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list I grep nice >giftlist santa claus town who I grep sleeping who I grep awake who I egrep 'badIgood' for (goodness sake) { be good better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus town --------------------------------------------------------------------- End of Term Blues by Pat Johanneson ($JOHANNESONP@brandonu.ca) You know it's late, but you're not sure how late. You haven't checked your watch since three AM, and frankly, you don't plan to look at it again until the security guards come by and open the doors to the science building. You need a pizza. You need a beer. You need a soft place to lay your head. You need to finish this program before midnight last night, but since you obviously have flubbed that deadline, you're going to have to edit the date stamp back. And that is not an easy thing to do. It takes a light touch and nimble fingers, and right now your fingers feel as light and nimble as frozen Maple Leaf weiners. And you *know* you could get your code working, if you could just figure out which of the 19 optional flags you need on this particular Random Access Humor Page 15 December 1993 call. And then figure out just why you're getting a stack dump every time you try to run the concatenation subroutine at the heart of your program. Then, by God and Turing, you will be able to go home and *sleep*. Ah, the life of a student. No life like it. Except maybe corporate prisoner. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Comp Sci Song (To the tune of Rawhide, best performed with lots of choruses at approximately 4 am.) lyrics: Brian Dyck inspiration: Brian Dyck, Pat Johanneson, Neil Enns Typing typing typing keep those fingers typing Keep those fingers typing COMP-SCIIIIIII!!! Don't try to understand it just prove it by induction who knows if you'll survive COMP-SCIIIIIII!!! Coding coding coding though your fingers are swollen keep on keep on CODING COMP-SCIIIIIII!!! Magnetic radiation late night aggravation stress-filled heat prostration COMP-SCIIIIIII!!! No matter who you're under You are baffled and you blunder You can do nothing now but suffer COMP-SCIIIIIII!!! Dataloss on diskettes Bugged up code not fixed yet Nothing left but regret COMP-SCIIIIIII!!! Coding coding coding though your fingers are swollen keep on keep on CODING COMP-SCIIIIIII!!! (snap) HeyaaAAAAHHHH!!! YAHHHHHOOOOOO!!! COMP-SCIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!! Random Access Humor Page 16 December 1993 CONTACT: Ron Albright Digital Publishing Association 1160 Huffman Road Birmingham, AL 35215 Voice: (205) 856-9510 FAX: (205) 853-8478 PRESS NOTICE: For Immediate Release DPA ANNOUNCES WINNERS OF THE SECOND ANNUAL "DIGITAL QUILL" AWARDS Birmingham, Alabama - November 15, 1993: The Digital Publishing Association, the first and only trade organization for the electronic publishing industry, today announced the winners of the Second Annual "Digital Quill" Awards for Excellence in Electronic Publishing. The Quill Award competition, originating in 1992, was open to all authors and publishers, regardless of DPA membership status. The only requirement was that the materials submitted for judging must have been previously published in electronic format. Submitted materials must have either been uploaded to an online system or distributed on disk for reading by computer as digital materials. In making the announcement, Ron Albright, President of the DPA, said "This volume and quantity of this year's entries clearly show that digital publishing is 'alive and well' at the grassroots level. While the industry press shows that the "big players" are just sticking their toes in the electronic publishing waters, the grassroots authors and publishers are already swimming about in the waters. This year's Quill entries were an amazing array of quality works that are pushing 'paperless publishing' to the limit of their imagination and skills. It is clear to the DPA that 1993 was a 'breakthrough' year for digital publishing and that the industry is poised to take off in the next 12 months." The Quill Awards are awarded during the DPA's annual November "Digital Publishing Month" activities. Additional activities are planned during the month to publicize the electronic publishing industry to both the computer and literary consumer. The winners for the existing categories are as follows: Serial Publication - a weekly, monthly or otherwise regularly-scheduled publication that has been issued for at least 6 months (or at least 3 editions) available prior to July, 1993. This category included both fiction and non-fiction magazines and newsletters. Random Access Humor Page 17 December 1993 First Place - Ruby's Pearls (Del Freeman, Editor) Second Place - WonderDisk (Walter Gammons, Editor) Third Place (TIE) - Smoke & Mirrors (Lucia Chambers, Editor) Random Access Humor (Dave Bealer, Editor) Fiction Book - an original fiction work. Minimum: 30,000 words. First Place - Vamp! (Larry Blasko) Second Place - The Angel of Death (Bruce Gilkin; FloppyBack) Third Place - Eternal Man (Vernon Davis) Non-Fiction Book - an original non-fiction book in digital format. Length: 35,000 words minimum. First Place - Civil War Computer Archive (Bob Patterson) Second Place - Prism Guide (Gary Smith) Third Place - Financial Survival (Vernon Davis) Publishing software - a software program (Shareware or traditionally marketed) designed for publishing text and/or graphics and facilitating their distribution and viewing. Nominations will be accepted from users as well as original authors. First Place - DART (Ted Husted) Second Place - ReadRoom (Michael Gibbs; Exhibit A Communications) Third Place (Tie) - Orpheus (Rod Willmot) HyperRead Generator (David Leithauser) Miscellaneous - a niche to encompass poetry, graphic collections, comics, CD-ROM and other publications outside the standard categories. First Place: NEWSBYTES Archives (Newsbytes Staff; CD-ROM) Second Place: "It All Comes Does to ___" (Robert Kendall) Third Place: "Mack the Mouse" (Don Lokke) Announcement of the winners for the "Short Story" category (featuring a single original story appearing either alone or as part of an anthology or magazine and published in digital format) will be delayed due to the complicated judging involved in evaluating the nearly fifty entries in this category. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Top Ten Ways To Tell You're Having a Really Rough Day In BBS Land Copyright (c) 1993, Joe DeRouen All rights reserved 10. SysOp changes your handle to "Ima Leech" 9. Microsoft releases Windows NT, and you're happy 8. Psych 101 paper gets juxtaposed with alt.sex file from Internet 7. President of local computer user group marries your sister 6. FIDO doesn't like your front-end mailer - and neither does Spot 5. Your wife finds your GIF collection 4. National debt pales in comparison to your upload/download ratio 3. You find your *wife's* GIF collection 2. Chastised by angry RIME conference host for being off topic 1. Artificial Intelligence program won't hot chat you Random Access Humor Page 18 December 1993 RAH Humor Review: America Online's Comedy Club by Dave Bealer This month's RAH Humor Review takes us to the Comedy Club, one part of the "Games & Entertainment" section of America Online. Alright, you may well be wondering what a DOS command line cowboy like me is doing anywhere near a GUI-based online system like AOL. The answer is deceptively simple: they sent me a free trial membership. I may be a grouch, but I'm also cheap. Yes, AOL is slow, but that is almost a relief on the first call since the main "menu" offers a bewildering variety of icons you can click on. A few of these icons even make sense once you figure out what they're supposed to mean. The Games section of AOL is extensive, offering everything from online role playing games to an online casino. On the same main icon is the Entertainment section, which features an entertainment news section. But my attention was immediately grabbed by the Comedy Club which is listed in this area. Sure enough, the Comedy Club features both messages and files related to humor and comedy. The message areas seem to contain many of the same blonde jokes seen everywhere else in the online universe. Sometimes I get the feeling that every humor/funny/laughs conference is linked together - with some demented twerp in Cleveland dumping all these lists of moldy jokes and chain letters into them. The file area also contains much of the same old stuff seen on any BBS with a decent humor collection. The only difference is this area is not being maintained. The most recent file posted for download was uploaded on 06/20/93 (I was there in November). "Maybe they're not getting any uploads," I thought. A few issues of RAH should take care of the boredom. Three issues from last summer were dutifully uploaded. Upon checking back a week later, nothing had been done. "Hmm. It had been so long since anything was posted, maybe the sysop gave up looking in the upload directory on any kind of regular basis." I left a note using the "Ask the Staff" icon. A few days later I received a message from a fellow who said he used to run the Comedy Club, but not anymore. He said he'd pass my note on. Another week or so went by, and my free trial month was drawing to a close. Since absolutely nothing had been done to post RAH for download, I decided to cancel my membership. The nearly frantic phone call asking why I cancelled came a week later. I explained what happened, and was politely offered another free month to try and work things out. Since it had been about five months since the file area of the Comedy Club had been touched by official hands, I decided it just wasn't worth the effort. Since the nice lady acted like she was going to be brutally murdered by her bosses if I didn't stop the cancellation process, I was nearly forced to hang up on her. Low pressure 90's marketing strikes again. Random Access Humor Page 19 December 1993 The final analysis: slow and mostly repetitive of any networked BBS with a decent humor collection. The only unique thing was the "Improv" area, which contains short bios of a few fairly well known stand up comedians, like Rick Duccomun. Once these folks have you in their talons, they're most reluctant to let go. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Announcements and Observations As of the January 1994 issue, the Readroom edition of RAH will be formatted for version 3.0 of the READROOM.TOC specification. Sysops should note that they will need Readroom V3.0 or higher to display RAH online for their callers. - - - RAH now has a private support site on the Internet. This is not a "live" site, so telnet and FTP are not supported. By January we hope to have an e-mail fileserver operating at the site. At that time users will be able to request RAH back issues, which will be sent as UUENCODED file attaches to e-mail messages. In the meantime, free RAH subscriptions are available to readers with an Internet account (FidoNet users *cannot* make use of this service through the Internet <> FidoNet gateway). Simply send an e-mail message to our listserver at: listserv@rah.clark.net In the body of your message, include a line like this: SUB rahtext Your Name Where "Your Name" is your username on your Internet host machine. This will place you on the subscription list for the uncompressed ASCII Text edition of RAH, which is sent as a UUENCODED file attach to an e-mail message. If you would prefer to receive the ASCII Text and Readroom editions as UUENCODED ZIP archives, place the following line in the body of your message: SUB rahzip Your Name Finally, you may join in the discussion in our new Bitnet-style mailing list. There you can ask questions of the RAH staff. To join this list, place the following line in the body of your message: SUB rahuser Your Name In the unlikely event you wish to unsubscribe from any list you have joined, simply send a message to the listserver with the following line in the body: UNSUB listname Where listname is the name of the mailing list you joined. Random Access Humor Page 20 December 1993 --- Tagline Seen Around the Nets One Christmas I got a battery with a note saying, "toy not included." I knew that rubber chicken was gonna get me in trouble. Check for toilet paper *before* sitting down. Vegetarians eat vegetables. Beware of humanitarians! Newsflash! Birdland Bar closed for serving mynahs. If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? "Junior, quit playing with your floppy!" Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. Drag me, drop me, treat me like an object. In DBLSPACE no one can hear you scream. Happiness is planet Earth in your rearview mirror. Saying a good politician is like saying an honest burglar. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. "I'm so cool you can store meat in me." - Zaphod Just as I think I've hit bottom, somebody hands me a shovel. If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all? Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. I'll live forever. Or die trying. I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear. Support the arts - shoot a critic. A social life? What board can I download THAT from? I've got morals, I just keep misplacing them. Betazoid modem: it downloads the files it senses you want. All I want for Christmas is a box of Smurfs and a mallet. Random Access Humor Page A-1 December 1993 Random Access Humor Masthead: Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer Contributing Editors: Greg Borek, Ray Koziel Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-14400/V.32bis) BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST) Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!) Random Access Humor c/o Dave Bealer P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the publisher. Random Access Humor is Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer. All Rights Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non- commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette, CD-ROM or in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher. RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed in combination with any other publication or product. Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of their respective owners. Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS. Internet users may obtain RAH issues via anonymous FTP from : etext.archive.umich.edu Dir: pub/Zines/RAH nic.cic.net Dir: pub/nircomm/gopher/e-serials/alphabetic/r/rah Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via Internet to: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net Random Access Humor Page A-2 December 1993 Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail messages. It may not be possible to make private responses to any submissions or correspondence received. The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication, so keep it (mostly) clean. RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication: 1) Any material in the public domain. 2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder. 3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder. In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material, and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical name, date of previous publication. RAH Distribution System: (Sites bearing the designation will accept your contributions and forward them to the editors.) (All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.) The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 16800 (HST/Dual) Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP (RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue) Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP (RAH9302R.ZIP and later only) Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST Random Access Humor Page A-3 December 1993 RAH Gateway Systems: Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis) RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1 H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis) RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1 DoorNet> 75:7918/205 The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis) ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200 MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis) PodsNet> 93:9600/2 Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis) VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102 Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis) Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2 SoftCom Online Istanbul, Turkey Sysop: Tolga Yurderi FidoNet> 2:430/1 90-1-2572790 16800 (HST/Dual) GlobalNet> 52:9000/1 IntlNet> 57:90/1 HiTNeT> 102:1001/5 The Vision BBS Keflavik, Iceland Sysop: Jon Karlsson FidoNet> 2:391/20 354-2-14626 14400 (V.32bis) IceInet> 354:2/10 Incredible BBS Burleson, TX. Sysop: Don Teague FidoNet> 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 14400 (HST/Dual) USPolNet> 30:603/103 The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau, Germany Sysop: Bernd Hohmann FidoNet> 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 19200 (Z19) FidoClassic> 2:248/317 Gamesnet> 144:4906/153 BasNet> 255:1000/0 RAH Official Distribution Sites: -= AUSTRALIA =- Northern Territory Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis Victoria The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis Random Access Humor Page A-4 December 1993 -= BELGIUM =- Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis -= CANADA =- Ontario Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 HST -= GERMANY =- The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19 -= ICELAND =- The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis -= NETHERLANDS =- BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 HST/Dual Midkemia BBS Denhaag (MomNet) 31-70-3361872 V.32bis TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis -= PORTUGAL =- The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890140 V.32bis -= SAUDI ARABIA =- MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis -= SLOVENIA =- R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis -= TURKEY =- SoftCom Online Istanbul 2:430/1 90-1-2572790 HST/Dual -= UNITED STATES =- Alabama J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis California InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32 Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual Connecticut ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis Florida Ruby's Joint Coral Gables (P&BNet) (305) 856-4857 V.32bis The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis Random Access Humor Page A-5 December 1993 Hawaii Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual Idaho Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2530 V.32bis Illinois The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32 Indiana Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual Maryland Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32 The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.32bis Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32 The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 HST/Dual Michigan Didi's Place Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 V.32bis Mississippi Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis Missouri Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis New Mexico High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:317/100 (505) 865-8385 V.32 Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:317/317 (505) 865-4082 V.32bis New York The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual Computers & Dreams New York (NoFido) (212) 888-6565 V.32bis ASB Ronkonkoma (NoFido) (516) 471-8625 V.32bis Dome Ideas BBS Yonkers 1:272/104 (914) 968-2205 HST Oklahoma H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis Oregon Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32 Pennsylvania Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual Random Access Humor Page A-6 December 1993 Texas Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (P&BNet) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual Utah Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis Virginia Ship to Shore Arlington 1:109/185 (703) 525-1458 V.32bis Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32bis Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual Washington Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis Wisconsin The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-0659 V.32bis ===================================================================== Although not official RAH distributors, the following large commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.) Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom) EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom) SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193 Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137