Date: Thu, 7 Jan 93 10:56:33 PST Reply-To: Message-ID: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain From: cocot@osc.versant.com (Gurer vf NOFBYHGRYL AB JNEENAGL sbe TQO) To: surfpunk@osc.versant.com (SURFPUNK Technical Journal) Subject: [surfpunk-0022] PHILE: Dave Barry's Year in Review Keywords: surfpunk, Dave Barry, Mike Godwin | Information wants to be free. | Believe it, pal. | -- Bruce Sterling |___________________________________ SMTP flow has been unreliable here recently in our corner of the northern California matrix; I've delayed the Return Of Surfpunk until it appeared a bit stable. But here we go anyway. Get ready for a barrage of SURFPUNKs, to catch up. If anyone understands how to fix the MX for "versant.com", and wants to just hack in and do it, feel free to! Or explain to me how... Dave Barry's writings have been around on The Net for a long time -- at first, without his permission; later, with his permission; and now, since his syndicate has asked us not to post them to the net, without permission again. See spaf's intro next ... --strick ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ Source: Yucks Digest Sat, 2 Jan 93 Volume 3 : Issue 1 ________________________________________________________________________ Date: Sun, 27 Dec 92 10:47:19 EST From: Mike Godwin Subject: Dave Barry's Year in Review To: eniac [Happy New Year's, folks! As a sort of New Year's tradition, here is Dave Barry's year in review, as sent out by Mike Godwin. Note that this is copyrighted "(C) 1992 THE MIAMI HERALD". However, as Mike is a well-respected lawyer aware of such things, I assume he got this from a source that didn't indicate distribution restrictions, otherwise he wouldn't have remailed it. If you have been living in a cave for the last few years (or spending too much time at your workstations), Dave Barry is one of America's premier humor writers. I encourage you to seek out his books if you are not already familiar with them. --spaf] JANUARY 1 -- In the White House, George Bush, during a high-level discussion of possible U.S. responses to a strike by cork harvesters in Portugal, glances out the Oval Office window and notices that the darned U.S. economy is STILL in trouble. He vows to write a stern note to his economic advisers, Wayne and Garth, just as soon as he gets back from the upcoming meeting of The Six or Seven Top World Leaders Club, at which they are expected to agree, after two years of negotiations, on a secret handshake. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton -- a virtual unknown on the national scene, despite the fact that he has been governor of Arkansas since he was 17 -- arrives in New Hampshire with a truck containing 957 separate eight-point policies, a 55-gallon drum of nasal decongestant and enough hair spray to immobilize the Brazilian rain forest. 2 -- True Item: The Middle East is hit by its heaviest snowstorm in four decades. 3 -- In an unprecedented broadcasting development, an entire hour passes during which there is not ONE SINGLE COMMERCIAL featuring Michael Jordan. The FCC vows to investigate. 4 -- In Jerusalem, 47 Arabs and 38 Israelis are injured in the region's worst snowball fighting in four decades. 5 -- True item: A Florida state appeals court rules that Broward County Sheriff Nick Navarro has to stop an operation under which sheriff-department personnel MANUFACTURED CRACK COCAINE, then sold it to citizens, then arrested these citizens for buying it, because of course drugs are bad and need to be eliminated. 6 -- Medical researchers at Johns Hopkins announce that a five-year study of cholesterol has revealed that the letters in "cholesterol" can be rearranged to spell "hooter cells." Bacon futures soar. 7 -- The troubled airline industry announces that it will raise fares. In politics, New York Gov. Mario Cuomo calls a press conference to announce that, just in case anybody forgot, he has definitely ruled himself out of the presidential race. In a staggering economic blow to California's largest industry, the Food and Drug Administration calls for a moratorium on breast implants. 8 -- President Bush flies to Japan accompanied by 237 high-level aides, 322 leading U.S. business executives, 517 journalists, 856 security personnel, the first lady, 26 grandchildren and both White House dogs. Left behind, tragically, is the black briefcase containing the presidential Pepto-Bismol. 9 -- Virginia Gov. Douglas Wilder pulls out of the presidential race, sending shock tremors through the estimated 15 people who knew he was running. Mario Cuomo calls an urgent press conference to announce that it will not be necessary for him to drop out, because he was never in. Elvis marks his 55th birthday with an appearance on the "Larry King Live" show. 10 -- In Tokyo, President Bush scores an economic coup as the Japanese government, under intense pressure to open its doors to U.S. imports, agrees to purchase a 1992 Chevrolet Caprice. At a formal dinner hosted by the prime minister, the president formalizes the agreement by performing the ceremonial Ralph of Friendship. 16 -- One year after the outbreak of the Gulf War, defeated and crestfallen dictator Saddam Hussein marks the occasion by attending the Invitational Kurd Shoot. 18 -- The Supreme Court votes 6-5 to strike down a federal law requiring audits of Supreme Court voting procedures. 20 -- The Japanese government's Caprice develops transmission trouble. 22 -- The New Hampshire primary campaign is thrown into an uproar when the major news media, having vowed to focus on The Issues, give extensive coverage to allegations by Gennifer Flowers in a supermarket tabloid that, over a 12-year period, she and Bill Clinton repeatedly met in secret to discuss his program for national health insurance. 24 -- An estimated 750 journalists attend an emotional press conference at which Gennifer Flowers plays a tape recording of a man, whom she identifies as Bill Clinton, revealing intimate details of his position on federal alfalfa subsidies. 26 -- In the most surprising Super Bowl finish in the game's 27-year history, the Washington Redskins and the Buffalo Bills agree to stop playing in the third quarter so they can watch Bill and Hillary Clinton discuss their marriage on "60 Minutes." ------ FEBRUARY 1 -- In sports, heavyweight rocket scientist Mike Tyson KO's himself. 2 -- In what has become a Groundhog Day tradition, Pennsylvania's famous furry critter "Punxsutawney Phil" emerges from hibernation and appears on "Larry King Live." The troubled airline industry announces that fares will henceforth be based on a complex formula involving the outcomes of collegiate hockey games. Bert Parks leaves to MC that Big Beauty Pageant in the Sky. 4 -- True Item: An archaeological expedition, guided by photographs taken from space, locates a "lost city" buried under the desert of southern Oman. 7 -- President Bush, responding to allegations that his use of the potent sleeping-pill Halcion has caused him to act erratically, angrily tells reporters that they are "big Methodist spiders." 8 -- The lost city in southern Oman is identified as Toledo, Ohio, which apparently has been missing since 1987, but nobody noticed until now. 10 -- Commemorating the 500th anniversary of Columbus' voyage, authentic reproductions of the sailing ships Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria set out for the "New World." Alex Haley returns to his "Roots." 11 -- In New Hampshire, Bill Clinton's character comes under further scrutiny when the news media obtain a 1969 photograph showing him reporting for a draft physical wearing a dress. Immediately, a new surprise front-runner emerges in the form of former U.S. senator and suspected pod person Paul E. Tsongas, who informs the press, via an interpreter, that, in order for the economy to recover, "everybody must swim laps." Mario Cuomo begins a 27-city bus tour of the Granite State to remind voters that he is not running. 12 -- The Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria sail off the edge of the Earth. 17 -- In Milwaukee, Jeffrey Dahmer is sentenced to life in prison with no refrigerator privileges. 18 -- President Bush's political vulnerability is exposed brutally in the New Hampshire primary balloting when he finishes just barely ahead of Pat Buchanan, and 47 points behind Mrs. Bush. 19 -- A historic accord is achieved in troubled Lebanon when representatives of all 19 warring factions meet to agree on a system of color-coded uniforms so everybody will know whom to shoot at. Elsewhere abroad, the beleaguered Cuban government announces a plan to ration gravity. 20 -- Appearing on "Larry King Live," H. Ross Perot announces that if his supporters put him on the ballot in all 50 states, he will have them all investigated. In Lebanon, the opening session of the Color- Coded-Uniform Conference erupts in gunfire following a dispute over which faction gets to wear teal. 21 -- In Winter Olympics action, NBC elects to simply re-broadcast videotapes of the luge and bobsled events from 1976, since nobody can tell the difference. 25 -- The U.S. Postal Service, bored with trying to deliver the actual mail, announces a plan to spend millions of taxpayer dollars deciding which face to put on the Elvis stamp. 26 -- In Washington, the Supreme Court, in a landmark 9-8 decision, rules that if you pass "GO," you don't HAVE to collect the $200. 27 -- Mario Cuomo calls a press conference to announce that he is withdrawing his face from consideration for the Elvis stamp. 28 -- The troubled airline industry enters the Betty Ford Clinic. ------ MARCH 1 -- Pat Buchanan wins the Austrian primary. 2 -- Saddam Hussein appears on "Larry King Live." 3 -- Business and academic professionals around the world are gripped by panic following dire warnings from numerous experts that tens of thousands of computers could be infected with the dread Michelangelo virus, set to strike on March 6. 4 -- A grim President Bush places U.S. armed forces on Full Red Alert in preparation for the expected onslaught of the dread Michelangelo virus. 5 -- Highways leading from major metropolitan areas are hopelessly jammed by millions of fear-crazed motorists fleeing from the oncoming Michelangelo virus. 6 -- As predicted, the dread Michelangelo virus erupts, wreaking untold havoc on an estimated one computer belonging to Rose Deegle of Rochester, N.Y., whose Christmas-card list is nearly wiped out. Vice President Quayle jets in to oversee the relief effort. 8 -- Michelangelo appears on "Larry King Live." 9 -- True Item: Led by the Surgeon General, U.S. doctors call on R.J. Reynolds to dump the "Old Joe" cartoon camel as a symbol for Camel cigarettes, on the grounds that it has great appeal to children. 10 -- Jerry Brown wins the Disneyland primary. 11 -- In New York, the trial of accused Mafia kingpin John Gotti is recessed while the judge considers a defense motion to declare a mistrial because "The air seems to be running a little low inside the 55-gallon drum where we are keeping your honor's mother." 12 -- True Item: Tammy Faye Bakker announces that she is seeking a divorce, saying that waiting for her convicted evangelist troll husband, Jim, to get out of jail is "too hard on the physical body." 13 -- Controversy flares anew over professional baseball's escalating salaries when the Chicago Cubs sign a five-year, $43 million contract with catcher Tom Daily, who died in 1939. 14 -- In a heartwarming display of concern for the health of the young, R.J. Reynolds announces that it will dump "Old Joe," and that Camels will henceforth be represented by "Old Kermit the Frog." 17 -- A ray of sunshine penetrates the gloomy national mood as Americans delight to a hilarious new nightly TV comedy, "Congresspersons Explain Why They Were Not Responsible For Overdrawing Their Own Personal Checking Accounts As Many As Several Hundred Times In One Year," featuring a parade of elected officials maintaining straight faces while offering excuses that make the act of balancing a checkbook appear far more complex than a space-shuttle launch. 18 -- Convicted tax felon and Hotel Queen Leona Helmsley is sentenced to prison. Concerned about the pacing of its games, the National Football League decides to eliminate the "instant replay" after a study shows that seven games from the 1991 season are still going on. 19 -- The sergeant-at-arms of the House of Representatives, who had been responsible for the House bank, resigns to accept a key position in the savings-and-loan industry. 20 -- Hotel Queen Leona Helmsley escapes from prison by climbing out a third-floor window and shinnying down what police describe as "a very large strand of pearls." 22 -- New York City police suspect that escaped Hotel Queen Leona Helmsley could be at large in Manhattan following an incident in which a woman wearing a mink ski mask burst into a midtown beauty salon and forced an employee to pedicure her at gunpoint. 24 -- True Item: Mrs. Manuel Noriega is arrested at a Miami department store and charged with snipping 27 buttons off of 10 women's jackets. 25 -- In a major intelligence coup, the U.S. government learns that it might not need to have 300,000 troops defending West Germany from East Germany, because these are now THE SAME COUNTRY. Officials begin planning a lightning military maneuver that could mean that, by 1995, there will be only 150,000 U.S. troops defending Germany from itself. 29 -- Paul Tsongas drops out of the Democratic race and immediately surges ahead in the polls. The school board in Doober County, Ala., responding to pressure from concerned parents, votes to ban "David Copperfield" from the high-school curriculum on the grounds that it "contains words." 30 -- Bill Clinton, wooing the weenie vote, says he tried marijuana, but was unable to inhale. 31 -- "Silence of the Lambs" is the big winner in the Academy Award ceremonies, which culminate in an emotional moment when Best Actor Anthony Hopkins breaks down on stage and ralphs up what is later identified as a segment of Best Actress Jodie Foster. ------ APRIL 1 -- Members of the U.S. House of Representatives vote to stop getting themselves re-elected by spending billions of taxpayer dollars on unnecessary weapons and military bases and moron projects for purposes such as asparagus research. April Fool. 2 -- True Item: Scientists announce the discovery of a massive, 1,500- year-old fungus in Michigan. It covers at least 37 acres, making it the largest living thing on Earth, after Rush Limbaugh. In New York, John Gotti is convicted on all 13 counts of racketeering and murder; the judge, in an unusual sentence, orders him "to be more careful next time." 3 -- An international arms-inspection team begins to suspect that Iraq may be concealing missiles when they happen to observe several downtown Baghdad "telephone poles" blasting into the sky. 4 -- A National Institutes of Health panel on weight control releases its long-awaited report, which unfortunately is unreadable because of chocolate stains. The giant Michigan fungus appears on "Larry King Live." 5 -- Sam Walton experiences the Ultimate Discount. 6 -- True Item: The ceremonial first pitch of the 1992 baseball season, thrown by President Bush in Baltimore's new stadium, lands in the dirt. Isaac Asimov returns to his Foundation. 7 -- Another True Item: The Supreme Court rules that undercover federal agents acted improperly in a "sting" operation wherein they spent more than two years relentlessly trying to sell child pornography to a Nebraska man, and then, when he finally ordered some, they arrested him. Legal scholars ponder what would happen if undercover agents accidentally purchased federally distributed kiddie porn with cocaine manufactured by the Broward County Sheriff's Office. 9 -- Great Britain elects an entire new government following a campaign that took less time, total, than U.S. politicians will need, later in the year, to agree on a debate format. 10 -- The Bush administration proposes legislation to shorten the distance between the pitcher's mound and home plate. Convicted savings- and-loan magnate Charles Keating is sentenced to 10 years in prison, but works out a deal wherein he will actually serve only 10 days of his own time, and use depositors' time for the rest of the sentence. 11 -- Sam Kinison has his last laugh. 12 -- In a triumph for the Bush administration following the U.S. invasion of Panama and a trial costing millions of dollars, a Miami jury convicts Manuel Noriega on charges of receiving stolen buttons. 13 -- Ross Perot announces that the country is all messed up, but that he has ordered a plan to fix everything and will reveal it just as soon as he takes delivery. His polls soar. 14 -- Bill Clinton's political strategists, concerned that Hillary could be hurting the campaign by appearing to harbor opinions, enroll her in the Donna Reed Housewife Rehabilitation Clinic, where she is confined to the much-feared Heloise Unit. 15 -- True Item: President and Mrs. Bush's tax returns are made public, revealing that in 1991 the President made $2,718 in royalties for his autobiography, whereas First Dog Millie made $889,176 for hers. 17 -- Downtown Chicago is paralyzed for what will turn out to be several days by a massive, multimillion-dollar flood, the cause of which is ultimately traced to the home of Arnold Spooterman, whose last words, according to his wife, were "We don't need a plumber. I'll just tighten this ..." 18 -- A closer inspection of the Bush tax return shows a business deduction for $457,756 worth of "chew toys." 21 -- NASA scientists, using sophisticated computer analysis of photographs obtained from the Hubble Space Telescope, report that there is a dead bug on the lens. 25 -- Ross Perot announces that his plan to fix the country up has been delayed because some parts had to be back-ordered, but it should arrive "within a couple of weeks." His polls soar. 27 -- The War on Drugs scores a major victory when U.S. agents, acting on a tip, arrest Peru. 29 -- Riots erupt in Los Angeles after residents obtain an advance copy of the "Murphy Brown" script in which she becomes an unwed mother. 30 -- Looting spreads to many areas of L.A., including Rodeo Drive, where witnesses report seeing escaped Hotel Queen Leona Helmsley breaking into a leading boutique by hurling a large diamond against the plate-glass window. ------ MAY 1 -- Political leaders from all over the nation rush to Los Angeles to express their concern for the inner city, until the TV lights go out. 5 -- Ross Perot's poll ratings surge again after he announces that his plan to fix the country finally did arrive, but had to be sent back because of a faulty binding. Hillary Clinton, newly released from a successful treatment at the Donna Reed Housewife Rehabilitation Clinic, declares that the No. 1 concern of the public is "closet space." 6 -- The final credits roll for Marlene Dietrich. 11 -- True Item: United Airlines announces that it will serve McDonald's food on more than 250 flights departing daily from Chicago's O'Hare airport. 14 -- Another True Item: Sen. Dennis DeConcini, D-Ariz., endorsing a balanced-budget amendment, says: "We're going to finally wrestle to the ground this gigantic orgasm that is just out of control." 15 -- Damage is estimated at $3.7 million after a United Airlines pilot attempts to taxi a fully loaded 727 up to a McDonald's drive-thru window. 16 -- Sen. Dennis DeConcini denies any knowledge of a life-size inflatable copy of the federal budget found in his car. 18 -- Halcion gets a clean bill of health when a Food and Drug Administration panel reports that the controversial drug "poses absolutely no threat to the little talking harmonicas that live in your nose." Lawrence Welk passes away, but this is not expected to affect his performing skills. 19 -- Tributes to Johnny Carson dominate the airwaves as the beloved "Tonight Show" host, in his last week on the air, is visited by a glittering array of celebrities, including Cher, Newt Gingrich and devastated Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, who tells the late-night legend that he never misses the monologue, "even when I'm in the bunker." 20 -- In a major policy address, Dan Quayle points out that Dumbo's mom was unwed, thereby touching off riots in four major cities. On the "Tonight Show," Johnny's guests include Marky Mark and the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 21 -- In what will later be viewed as a mistake, the crack Middle East Peace Negotiating Team is sent into what used to be Yugoslavia. Johnny Carson plays host to Mother Teresa, the Chicago Bulls, Telly Savalas, Susan Sontag and Weird Al Yankovic. 22 -- In Los Angeles, a judge orders police officers acquitted of beating Rodney King to be re-tried, this time by a jury that is not legally blind. At the White House, Dan Quayle is bitten by Millie, best- selling author and unwed mother. On his much-anticipated final show, Johnny Carson, following a moving tribute by Princess Diana, Orson Welles and six of the original 12 apostles, announces that he has decided not to retire. 30 -- A Milwaukee judge rules that a Chicago man, whose sperm was used to fertilize an egg removed from an Atlanta woman who was paid by a Detroit couple who have since divorced and are now in a bitter court dispute over what brand of refrigerator to keep the embryo in, DOES have the right to be in the first segment when the story is featured on "Oprah." ------ JUNE 1 -- Uncertainty grips the Middle East as brain surgeons in Jordan work for seven hours on PLO leader Yasser Arafat, but are unable to get that cloth thing off his head. 3 -- Bill Clinton, seeking to improve his image among young voters, goes on "The Arsenio Hall Show" and, after donning a pair of dark sunglasses, smokes a joint. 4 -- Thousands of delegates from all over the world jet to Rio de Janeiro for the Earth Summit, an event that scientists predict will severely deplete the planet's dwindling supply of hors d'oeuvres. 8 -- By an unfortunate coincidence, the annual "Tailhook" convention of naval aviators happens to be booked into the same Las Vegas hotel as the Association of Women Karate Instructors. "I had no idea," states one observer, "that an aviator could fly that far without an aircraft. " 9 -- At the Earth Summit, a day of often-heated debate finally draws to a close when delegates, by an unexpectedly close margin, vote to order the veal scaloppine. Jimmy Hoffa appears on "Larry King Live." 10 -- Doubts arise concerning Ross Perot's claim to be a Washington "outsider" after The New York Times reports that the Dallas billionaire owns the Smithsonian Institution, the Lincoln Memorial and an estimated 53 percent interest in the House of Representatives. New "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno welcomes special guest George Bush, who seeks to improve his image among younger voters by performing "Smoke on the Water" on the ukulele. Earth Summit delegates vote to distribute 680,000 copies of the 571-page Official Earth Summit Manifesto to End Waste and Souvenir Album. 11 -- The U.S. Senate, after intense lobbying by the National Rifle Association, defeats a bill banning handguns in the womb. 12 -- In a landmark decision, a federal judge in Los Angeles rules that if the National Endowment for the Arts is going to use taxpayers' money to buy art, the taxpayers should get to decide what KIND of art. 13 -- Ross Perot, appearing on the David Letterman show, wows young voters with a rendition of "Stairway to Heaven" on a nose flute. The National Endowment for the Arts purchases 3.4 million paintings of dogs playing poker. Scientists detect a large new hole in the ozone layer, believed to be caused by fumes from flaming desserts served at the Earth Summit. 14 -- The U.S. House, after a lengthy session during which virtually every member gets up and makes an impassioned speech stating that Something Must Be Done about the deficit, rejects the balanced-budget amendment. 15 -- President Bush's brain trust, seeking some positive press coverage, shrewdly decides to send the President to Panama, where he is welcomed by happy natives who stage an enthusiastic welcoming demonstration until they are driven off by tear gas. 16 -- As the ongoing Iran-Contra investigation enters its 19th year, Special Prosecutor Lawrence Walsh calls a press conference to announce that he is appointing a Special Task Force to try to remember who the "Contras" were. 17 -- Seeking to boost the sagging U.S. humor industry, Vice President Quayle gives a spelling lesson. 18 -- True Item: A federal audit shows that William Reilly, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, which sets strict mileage standards for cars owned by ordinary humans, often drives a federal car that gets 6.3 miles per gallon. 23 -- In yet another indication of public anger, voters in Kansas approve a referendum mandating the death penalty for anybody who runs for Congress more than twice. 27 -- Ross Perot, angered by allegations of former campaign staff members that he pried into their private lives, threatens to release photographs of them naked. The summer's smash movie hit is "Batman Returns," featuring a bizarre array of evil new characters such as "The Penguin," played by Danny DeVito; and the "Cat Woman," played by escaped Hotel Queen Leona Helmsley. EPA head William Reilly is arrested for whaling. Education Vice President Quayle explains to a Detroit high-school science class that airplanes can fly because of "big bees in the wings." ------ JULY 1 -- With the economy mired in a recession and Democrats preparing to nominate a highly skilled campaigner in Bill Clinton, Republican Party strategists realize that their only realistic hope for guaranteeing George Bush's re-election is to mess up Ross Perot's daughter's wedding. 2 -- Financially troubled Braniff Airlines suddenly ceases operations, but officials assure nervous passengers that most flights "should be able to glide to safety." 3 -- In a top-secret nighttime launch, the U.S. military orbits a nuclear-powered $47.5 million state-of-the-art laser-equipped satellite designed to mess up Ross Perot's daughter's wedding. 7 -- A freak tidal wave hits Daytona Beach, Fla., baffling scientists. 8 -- In a hopeful development involving the international debt crisis, Brazil promises world bankers that it will pay them their money "tomorrow." In Daytona Beach, the tidal-wave mystery is resolved when satellite photos detect Ted Kennedy breast-stroking about three miles offshore. 9 -- The U.N. Security Council meets in a closed session with representatives of the CIA, the FBI, the Mafia, the Trilateral Commission, the Justice League of America and the Fantastic Four to finalize secret plans for messing up Ross Perot's daughter's wedding. World bankers arrive in South America to discover that Brazil, according to neighboring Argentina, moved out the night before after packing all of its natural resources into a U-Haul truck. 10 -- Bill Clinton, in a shrewd tactical move designed to woo the crucial department-store-mannequin vote, picks Al Gore as his running mate. Meanwhile, the U.S. Sixth and Seventh Fleets, accompanied by seven "Thumper" class nuclear submarines and elements of the 4th, 9th, 16th and 28th Tactical Air Flying Bomber Squadrons, proceed at maximum speed toward a secret rendezvous point in the Caribbean, where they receive Urgent Priority Code Red instructions to "use whatever means necessary, including nuclear weapons, to mess up Ross Perot's daughter's wedding." Eric Sevareid goes to heaven, where he will be constantly mistaken for God. 13 -- True Item: In the Pacific Ocean, the U.S. Navy missile cruiser Cowpens messes up during a training exercise and informs an Australian commercial airliner via radio that unless it changes course immediately, "you will be fired upon." 14 -- In New York, delegates to the Democratic Convention, sensing a chance for victory after 12 years out of power, roar with approval when a passionate Mario Cuomo declares that he "might still be available." 16 -- Ross Perot, sacrificing personal gratification to save the nation from the devastation that would inevitably result from the international conspiracy to mess up his daughter's wedding, announces that he does not wish to be president, forcing many of his followers to turn to their second choice, the Rev. Sun Myung Moon. The surprise announcement sends a wave of elation through the Democratic convention in New York, where new nominee Bill Clinton, launching into his acceptance speech, boldly declares that he loves his mom. 17 -- Increasingly suspicious U.N. arms inspectors observe as Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, visiting a street market, purchases a 17-foot- long "zucchini" clearly labeled "50 megatons." A grim-faced President Bush threatens to "send troops partway to Baghdad, then order them to stop." In New York, Bill Clinton nears the halfway mark in his acceptance speech. 18 -- Bill Clinton concludes his acceptance speech and sets out on a bus tour of the Heartland with Al Gore, whose body is unable to bend enough to fit in the bus seats, so his aides just stick him up on the luggage rack, still in a waving position. 22 -- The Colombian government's commitment to the War on Drugs comes into question after Pablo Escobar, the world's leading cocaine dealer, manages to escape from the Envigado prison, along with nine henchmen, by telling guards he needs to retrieve his Frisbee. 25 -- Clinton and Gore are forced to abandon their Heartland campaign trip when their bus is "mistakenly" fired on by the U.S. missile cruiser Cowpens. 28 -- In the War on Drugs, the hideout of Pablo Escobar is located and surrounded by 2,000 Colombian troops, but the wily cocaine lord manages to make his escape after shouting, "Your fly is down!" 29 -- In Olympic basketball action, the Dream Team defeats the Republic of Zwit 563-4, with Charles Barkley scoring 153 points before being ejected late in the second quarter for arson. ------ AUGUST 1 -- This would have been an excellent time for South Floridians to check on their homeowners' insurance. 2 -- In Olympic basketball action, the Dream Team, seeking to save time, defeats teams from Brazil, Poland and Canada simultaneously. 5 -- By a 27-18 vote, the Supreme Court rules that, once on the island, Gilligan is not legally required to obey orders from the Skipper. 6 -- In Olympic basketball, the Dream Team defeats an invading force of Atomic Death Robots From The Planet Dorg. Elsewhere in sports, the San Francisco Giants threaten to move to Tampa Bay. 7 -- True Item: The Environmental Protection Agency declares that lawn mowers are a source of air pollution. All over America, deeply concerned guys have no choice but to abandon their grass-cutting plans and take planet-saving naps. 8 -- Basketball legend Larry Bird retires, citing concern over Ross Perot's daughter's wedding. 14 -- John Sirica receives the Big Subpoena. 18 -- As the Republican Party, facing an uphill fight, gathers in Houston for a crucial convention, millions of issues-conscious American voters focus their full attention on Woody Allen and Mia Farrow. 19 -- Pat Buchanan gives the Bush-Quayle ticket a nice boost, appealing to a broad spectrum of Americans with a speech entitled, "Vote For Us; We're Better Than You." The Giants threaten to move to Dayton, Ohio. 20 -- The troubled General Motors Corp. announces that, in an effort to cut costs, it will stop making cars. At the Republican Convention, it's Traditional Family Values night, as delegates burn a suspected witch. 21 -- In a widely praised speech accepting his renomination, President Bush, showing a new awareness of the task ahead, pledges to "think up some programs or something." Hillary Clinton challenges Barbara Bush to a bake-off. 22 -- Vice President Quayle, shrewdly stealing a page from the Democrats' strategy, embarks on an Oscar Meyer Weinermobile Tour of the Heartland. The Giants threaten to move to France. 23 -- Hurricane Andrew approaches South Florida. Desperate residents shop for plywood, batteries, flashlights and canned food. Roofers price luxury cars. In politics, representatives of the Bush and Clinton camps begin negotiating the bake-off format. 24 -- Hurricane Andrew hits the mainland, setting in motion one of the largest domestic relief efforts in U.S. history as public and private organizations send in billions of dollars, tons of supplies, thousands of relief workers, and an estimated two insurance adjustors. 27 -- In politics, bake-off negotiations are stalled when the Clinton camp rejects a proposed all-cookie format; a spokesperson argues that "there has to be pie representation." 29 -- Confusion continues to plague the hurricane cleanup effort as an Army troop convoy, transporting 50,000 tons of relief Spam through an area with no working traffic signals, attempts to obey obscure hand gestures being flashed at intersections by well-meaning but highly nonprofessional volunteer traffic directors, and winds up driving into the Atlantic Ocean, where it is mistakenly fired upon by the missile cruiser Cowpens. ------ SEPTEMBER 1 -- President Bush, in a move that his aides stress has nothing to do with electoral votes, announces plans to build a major naval base in Illinois. 2 -- International arms monitors voice renewed concern when an operable nuclear warhead from the former Soviet Union shows up in the Action Figures section of a Passaic, N.J., Toys "R" Us. 4 -- In an effort to make the hurricane recovery more efficient, Dade County, Fla., approves a plan permitting mobile-home manufacturers to set up thousands of new units that have been predestroyed at the factory, thus reducing paperwork later on. The Giants threaten to move to the National Hockey League. 6 -- General Motors offers a credit card. 9 -- In a political scandal that the Bush administration can ill afford, newspapers report that a State Department political appointee has improperly used the Freedom of Information Act to obtain and distribute crucial information concerning Hillary Clinton's brownie ingredients. Bake-off negotiations collapse. In the troubled world currency market, the franc gains sharply against the mark. 10 -- In a controversial decision, Madonna wins the Miss America Pageant. 12 -- A team of surgeons at the Houston Medical Center successfully implants a miniature dinette set inside the brain of a 57-year-old asthma sufferer. "It won't help him," notes a spokesperson, "but it is covered by insurance." In sports, the Giants threaten to move to the 14th Century. 13 -- Due to a manufacturing defect, General Motors is forced to recall 275,000 credit cards. In troubled world currency action, the pound falls sharply against the lira, knocking it into the pfennig, which suffers a minor injury. 17 -- With the nation facing harsh choices on major issues concerning the economy, health care and the ever-spiraling federal budget deficit, the U.S. Congress, long ridiculed for shortsighted political cowardice, stuns its many critics by summoning up the courage and vision to pass, after heated debate, a law regulating cable-TV rates. 21 -- True Item: A high-school teacher in a Chicago suburb reveals that he punishes students by making them listen to tapes of Frank Sinatra. In the ongoing world currency crisis, the yen calls up Domino's and, disguising its voice, has 200 pepperoni pizzas delivered to the peso. 25 -- In a landmark ruling, an Orlando, Fla., judge declares that a 12-year-old boy has the right to select his own parents. He selects Marge and Homer Simpson. 28 -- The political world is thrown into an uproar when Ross Perot, having thwarted the intergalactic plot to mess up his daughter's wedding, hints he may re-enter the presidential race. He invites Bush and Clinton campaign officials to visit him and indicate their views by spelling out words with their tongues on his shoes. 29 -- True Item: Police arrest Eric Adam Kaplan, a candidate for the Florida Legislature, and charge him with firing five bullets into the home of his opponent, incumbent Bob Starks, and wounding Starks' wife in the leg. Kaplan is immediately hired to direct Pat Buchanan's 1996 campaign. World currency troubles continue as the mark claims to have photographs of the franc naked with the pound. 30 -- Political observers begin to suspect that something is afoot when Ross Perot, in what a spokesperson describes as "merely a gesture of appreciation, with no strings attached," donates $750 million to the Electoral College. 31 -- Ignore this. September has only 30 days. ------ OCTOBER 1 -- True Item: During a NATO exercise in the Aegean Sea, the U.S. aircraft carrier Saratoga accidentally launches two live missiles at a Turkish destroyer. Bill Clinton, wooing voters without lives, appears on "As the World Turns." 2 -- Ross Perot re-enters the presidential race, pledging to "clean up this mess in Washington" and "get these tiny CIA computers out of my teeth." The missile cruiser Cowpens begins steaming toward Turkey. President Bush appears on the Home Shopping Network. 3 -- In a shrewd public-relations move that garners enormous sympathy for her cause, whatever it is, follicly impaired singer Sinead O'Connor tears up a photo of the Pope. 5 -- After more than a month of on-again, off-again negotiations, a debate format is finally agreed upon, and all four major news networks interrupt their prime-time programming to present the first of four scheduled prime-time confrontations between Mia Farrow and Woody Allen. 6 -- Turkey surrenders to the United States. 10 -- True item: The Associated Press reports that a West Virginia man who had been drinking beer decided to clean three handguns, and wound up shooting himself in the foot THREE TIMES. He is immediately hired to direct strategy for the Bush campaign. 11 -- The Pope, appearing on the "Larry King Live" show, tears up a photograph of Sinead O'Connor. 13 -- In the first of four presidential debates, Bill Clinton promises to increase spending for jobs, education, health care, the environment, the infrastructure, the outfrastructure and parking, while at the same time reducing the deficit and cutting taxes for the middle class. Bush says Clinton is a bozo. Ross Perot says it's time to cut bait and talk turkey. All three candidates perform well in the Swimsuit Competition. 16 -- The three major vice-presidential candidates debate. Here is the complete transcript: "MY turn!" "No, MINE!" "What?" "Doodyhead!" "Weiner brain!" "Where am I?" "ARE TOO!" "AM NOT!" "What's going on?" "Liar liar pants on fire!" "Nanny nanny boo-boo!" "Who are these people?" 18 -- In Atlanta, during ceremonies opening Game Two of the World Series between the Braves and the Toronto Blue Jays, the Marine Corps color guard carries the Canadian flag upside-down. The Marine Corps stresses that this was "totally unintentional." 19 -- In the second presidential debate, Bill Clinton promises to increase spending on the inner cities, suburbs, rural areas, the wilderness, the ozone layer and the asteroid belt, while at the same time eliminating government waste and heart disease. George Bush says Clinton is a communist whoremonger. Ross Perot says you have to bale hay while the tractor is warm. 20 -- During ceremonies opening Game Three of the World Series in Toronto, a Royal Canadian Air Force marching unit, in a development that the Canadian government later stresses was "totally unintentional," opens fire on the Marine Corps color guard. 21 -- Literature-lovers flock to bookstores to purchase the latest work by respected author and naked person Madonna, featuring photos of a number of celebrities, including Millie and -- in yet another blow to a once-proud institution -- four members of the British royal family. 22 -- Red Barber calls his final out. 23 -- In the third presidential debate, Bill Clinton promises to give every single voter a briefcase full of money, then clean the voter's garage, while at the same time fighting cavities and saving Bambi's mom from the hunters. George Bush says that Clinton is Satan. Ross Perot says you can't feed grits to a dead hog. 24 -- True Item: An astronomer at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics predicts that the comet Swift-Tuttle could strike the Earth in 2126. 26 -- In the fourth and final presidential debate, Bill Clinton promises to give voters a magic pill that will enable them to live forever while at the same time never suffering from hair loss. George Bush bites Clinton on the leg. Ross Perot says it takes two snakes to cross a puddle. A post-debate poll of prospective voters shows that the majority of them believe the Braves should have used their relief pitchers more. 28 -- The Consumer Product Safety Committee orders that the comet Swift-Tuttle be equipped with an air bag. 29 -- Bill Clinton loses his voice and stops talking. He surges in the polls. 31 -- True Item: According to The Toledo (Ohio) Blade, "Two women who attended a Halloween party dressed as tampons were recovering from burns suffered when their costumes were set ablaze after they apparently came in contact with a cigarette lighter." ------ NOVEMBER 1 -- Pollsters report that the presidential race is tightening as voters swing from Clinton to Bush, with Perot support holding steady. The Food and Drug Administration announces strict new regulations governing tampon costumes. 2 -- Pollsters report that voters are swinging back from Bush toward Clinton, with Perot support dropping slightly. 3 -- Pollsters report that voters are edging back toward Bush, then suddenly darting back toward Clinton, with Perot supporters eating a ham sandwich. 4 -- Pollsters report that the voters, by a statistically significant margin, are saying that the election was yesterday, which means somebody already got elected, although due to the margin of error it will be necessary to conduct more polls to confirm this. 5 -- In post-election activity, President Bush, insisting that he is "not bitter at all," orders the missile cruiser Cowpens to fire a strike against his own campaign headquarters. Meanwhile, Clinton, speaking in sign language, indicates that he may not be able to IMMEDIATELY fulfill all of his campaign promises, but he does expect, within the first 100 days, to ask Congress to declare National Reed Instruments Week. 6 -- News analysts, bored to death, declare that the Clinton presidency has failed. 7 -- Socks the cat appears on the "Larry King Live" show. 8 -- Clinton is plunged into the first major controversy of his failed presidency when top-level military officials object to his plan to eliminate the armed forces' long-standing policy against admitting people who have good haircuts. 10 -- The failed Clinton presidency faces yet another crisis, this time a potential trade war that looms when France, in negotiations over the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade, defiantly rejects a U.S. demand that the French Ministry of Agriculture stop subsidizing escargot ranchers. 11 -- The Supremes Court, in a 3-0 ruling, declares that love is like an itching in your heart, and baby, you can't scratch it. 13 -- In sports, Heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield is defeated by challenger Bobby Fischer. 16 -- Bill Clinton angrily defends his choice of Vernon Jordan as transition chief, claiming that Jordan's ties to the tobacco industry will have "no effect" on Cabinet appointments. In the worsening Trade War, Hillary Clinton, taking a more aggressive role now that the election is over, orders the missile cruiser Cowpens to fire a strike against the French wine tanker LeSnot. 19 -- In the worsening trade war, leakage from LeSnot causes what the EPA calls the worst wine spill in the nation's history, a 600-mile wide blot of Bordeaux approaching the U.S. mainland and expected to make landfall in Virginia, where angry residents argue that a Cabernet would have been far more appropriate. Clinton names Joe the Camel as secretary of agriculture. 20 -- The trade war ends with a total French capitulation after Hillary threatens to place a 300 percent export duty on Jerry Lewis movies. 26 -- Adding more woes to Britain's troubled royal family, a fire strikes the Queen's clothes closet, destroying 4,317 hats with an estimated street value of $11. Superman dies, probably as a result of wearing the same underwear for 50 years. 29 -- NASA officials hope to see a boost for the troubled space program as the Space Shuttle Adventuresome blasts into space on a daring mission to repair a faulty hose in the $34.3 million Orbital Washer- Dryer orbited in a daring mission the previous month. In other space developments, the Giants threaten to move to Saturn. ------ DECEMBER 1 -- What begins as a friendly transitional get-together between the Bushes and Clintons ends in tragedy when Millie ralphs up what is later identified as Socks the cat. In space, astronauts replace the Orbital Washer hose, only to discover that the Orbital Dryer has lost its $13.6 million Space Lint Filter. The Space Shuttle Opportunity immediately blasts into orbit on a daring resupply mission. 3 -- Professional baseball's owners, meeting to set the 1993 schedule, vote unanimously to eliminate the actual games so everybody can devote full time to contract hassles. 5 -- NASA suffers another setback when both the Shuttle Adventuresome and the Shuttle Opportunity develop severe blockages in their $21.7 million Space Toilets. Space officials order the Shuttle Determined to blast into orbit and attempt a daring mission to deploy the experimental $103.9 million Space Plunger. 8 -- Congress, seeking to ease the pain during difficult times, approves a $34.7 million program to teach defeated and retiring congresspersons how to deal with ordinary civilian life, including courses on Paying For Your Own Meal, Parking With Common People, Not Writing Checks For More Money Than You Actually Have, and How To Buy A Postage Stamp And Attach It To An Envelope. 14 -- In Britain, rumors flare anew concerning the troubled marriage of Charles and Diana after a tabloid newspaper obtains a tape-recording of an intimate telephone conversation between Charles and a party he refers to as "Weejums." 19 -- In a surprise Cabinet move, Bill Clinton appoints Gennifer Flowers as secretary of human affairs. In space, NASA's daring space- repair effort comes to naught when the commander of the Space Shuttle Determined, upon reaching orbit, discovers that the craft is unmaneuverable due to the fact that a previous commander accidentally left "The Club" on the steering wheel. NASA officials immediately order the Shuttle Reliable to blast into orbit on a daring mission to deliver the key. 23 -- Britain is shocked by the revelation that "Weejums" is a polo pony. The Supreme Court votes 53-1 to request more pornography cases. 24 -- The American Medical Association, concluding a 10-year study on why health-care costs are rising so fast, reports that the fundamental cause "could be a number of things," so "we're going to schedule some tests," but there is no need to worry because "insurance will pay for it." Reaching across party lines, Bill Clinton appoints Orrin Hatch as Proctologist General. 25 -- Santa narrowly avoids a missile fired by the Cowpens. 26 -- Allegations of Japanese "dumping" on the U.S. auto market flare anew when 9-year-old Jason Loogett of Memphis, Tenn., discovers a Toyota minivan in his Cracker Jacks. In other business news, the Food and Drug Administration announces a ban on molecules. 27 -- Superman returns to life on "Larry King Live." 28 -- In yet another setback for NASA, the Space Shuttle Reliable is rammed by the Space Shuttle Exxon Valdez, which is 357,000 miles off course. 27 -- Saddam Hussein purchases the Giants. 31 -- A grateful nation celebrates the end, at last, of a truly bizarre year, unaware that the crack Middle East Peace Negotiating Team, having done all it can for the former Yugoslavia, is now heading for New York. Meanwhile, bands of white men in dark suits are converging on New Hampshire to begin laying the groundwork for their bids for the 1996 presidential primary. Fortunately, however, serious campaigning is not expected to begin until next week. Until then, have a Happy New Year. ________________________________________________________________________ The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves. Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word "help" for instructions. 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